I can’t tell you how many times I went back and forth with my decision.
I had a feeling I was pregnant for weeks. Even though I’d had periods and bleeding, even though I was on a birth control pill. I just knew. My breasts were swollen and tender, and I was starting to feel nauseous every morning and night. I went to Vegas to have a fun weekend with friends and all I wanted to do was sleep in the hotel room with the lights off and the blackout curtains drawn. When I got back from my trip I decided to take a test. It was positive. I couldn’t believe it, even though the test had simply just confirmed what I knew to be true. I took another. Positive.
I called my mom. At first we both reacted in a happy way, but after a few minutes I started sobbing uncontrollably. I thought “I can’t have a baby, no way.” I’d just put down a deposit for a one bedroom condo, I was almost finished with school, there was, in general, more to life I wanted to enjoy before the responsibility of motherhood. I called my boyfriend to come over. He was shocked. We called my mom back together. She told us that she believed in us either way. If we wanted to do this, we could. If we didn’t, she could definitely understand why. My boyfriend and I decided to make an appointment for Planned Parenthood the next day to get a confirmation of my pregnancy by them. After we called and got the appointment, we spent the rest of the day trying to keep our minds off of it. We went out to eat and saw a movie.
The next day I had to attend my appointment alone because my boyfriend was working. They confirmed I was pregnant, and let me know that based on my bleeding I was about 5 weeks. I knew that wasn’t right, I had to be further along, but they made an appointment for an ultrasound for me two weeks later, and said if I’d decided to abort, I could obtain the abortion pill at that appointment.
The next two weeks were emotional torture. I can’t tell you how many times I went back and forth with my decision. My mom confessed to me that she’d had an abortion around my age before she had me. She said it felt right at the time and she’s never regretted her decision. It felt amazing to know I had her support with whatever decision I’d make. My boyfriend let me know he’d be there for me no matter what. I thought I’d decided to keep it, and then the next day I’d flip. It was like that for about 1 & 1/2 weeks until the decision just came to me. This wasn’t what I wanted for myself, my boyfriend, or a child right now. I’d always wanted children but just not right now. It’s not now or never. That’s so important to keep in mind.
My ultrasound appointment came and I’d let them know I’d be taking the pill. They asked if I was sure, and were very detailed about the process that happens after taking the pills. They asked if I wanted to see images from my ultrasound, I declined. I’d always been pro-choice, but I couldn’t deny the emotional attachment I’d felt to the fetus growing inside me. It wasn’t an easy decision for me. But I knew it was the right decision for me. The doctor informed me I was 10 weeks and 5 days pregnant. 5 days too late for the pill. I panicked. She calmed me down by letting me know a lot of women have an easier experience with the surgical abortion, as opposed to the pill, which can have harsher side effects. We made an appointment for a surgical abortion 2 weeks out. They’d also insert an IUD after the procedure so I wouldn’t have to worry about an unwanted pregnancy again.
The day of my surgical procedure arrives and my boyfriend takes me to my appointment. They inform me of the price left after my insurance coverage. I pay. I sit and wait. They call me back, take my vitals, and give me several medications (some to soften my cervix, some for pain, some for nausea, etc.) They told me I have to wait an hour and a half before my actual procedure, and that I may cramp or feel nauseous from the medication until them. They put me in a waiting room separate from the general waiting room in the lobby. Only one other girl was there. After about 30 ish minutes I had to throw up. After I got sick, I got a nurse and asked if that was going to complicate anything. She said I’d be fine since it was more than 30 minutes since I was given the medications. After I got sick I was freezing cold, and another nurse moved me to the recovery room and sat me in a comfortable recliner with a heating pad for the cramps and a blanket. I slept comfortably until the surgery assistant came to get me. When I was in the “operating room” I started shaking with nerves. I was still 100% about my decision, but I was nervous about the actual procedure, the pain. She explained I’d be getting anxiety medication and a fentanyl IV, and that once they started my IV I’d feel drowsy and drunk immediately, and that for most women, the procedure is a breeze. The doctor came in and I felt immediately relieved. She was so warm towards me. She answered a few questions, she started my IV and I instantly became out of it. Another doctor entered the room and held the ultrasound machine over my uterus while my doctor worked. I heard noises and felt sensations, but nothing was painful. Just moderate cramping. It felt like the whole thing took 30 seconds. In reality it was probably a few minutes. After the procedure they inserted my IUD I’d requested, then helped me get up and get dressed. After that I sat in a recovery room for 30 minutes while they monitored my vitals and bleeding level. They gave me crackers and orange juice. They sent me on my way with paperwork explaining how the next few days to weeks might go. My boyfriend brought me home and I ate, then slept the rest of the day.
After my abortion I only felt relief, which is crazy to me because I struggled with my decision emotionally for awhile. I feel inspired to get out and live the life I want to live pre-children, including saving money, traveling, finishing school, etc. so that in a few years I’m finally ready to start having children. I can’t thank Planned Parenthood enough for being so informative and warm throughout the whole procedure. To every girl, who has decided on abortion, you’re going to be okay.
