I refuse to bring my child into the world when I have nothing to give them.
I took a plan b pill and still ended up pregnant. I had sex with one of my best friends after a drunk night of us confessing our love. A love story that could have been the perfect story to tell our child in the future but it wasn’t the right time. I’m not ready for a child. I’m not ready to be a mother and he certainly isn’t ready to be a father. I’ve dreamed about being a mother my entire life. I can’t wait to be a mother but not right now. I want to be swept off my feet by my night in shining armor, I want to be married, living in a home I bought with my husband. I want to conceive my first child with the right man, in the right moment. I want my child to have a father that is going to be present and involved, a father they will live with. I want my child to look at their parents and yearn for the love we share, I want my child to know that this is the love they deserve. I want my child to not settle for a drunken night, confessing their love to their best friend who’s on a break with their girlfriend.
If the circumstances were different, I would have kept you… I really wanted to keep you but I didn’t want you to ever struggle. If things were different, I promise, I would have kept you. But they weren’t. It’s been almost 3 months since I had my abortion and I’ve avoided talking about it or even thinking about it for that matter. The memory of leaving work early to get a procedure plays in my mind, changing from my business wear to my sweatpants and calling him to see if he was on his way. I remember calling him after a few weeks of not speaking because quite frankly, things were weird after we had sex. I remember feeling alone, I remember knowing I was pregnant but being scared of taking the pregnancy test alone. So I texted him, “hey, I really need to talk to you.” I knew I was pregnant, I felt it in my body, I was sick every morning, I had cravings, I was peeing all the time. My body felt different. He called me immediately, “What’s wrong? You okay?” … “I’m fine” I lied, “I just need to talk to you in person”. It was like he knew too. I felt it. Within 30 minutes, I was sitting in the passenger seat of his car crying telling him how I thought I was pregnant. His reaction was everything I could have wanted, he was comforting, he was kind, he listened and he did not judge. We went to get a pregnancy test, he stood outside the door as I peed on that dreaded stick. “So… what are we going to do” the question I wasn’t ready for. Don’t cry I thought to myself, you’ve been crying this whole time, you’re strong, you’ve been through worse. I looked to the unreadable pregnancy test… “It doesn’t say anything…” I then let him know I knew I was pregnant I could feel it. He believed me and said we would do another test together when I returned from my trip.
I went on my trip, had the time of my life with my girlfriends. I even extended it an extra day. The last night, we went to dinner and it was then I had to let them know. We’re always there for one another. No matter what. “I think I’m pregnant.” I was comforted, they knew this wasn’t the right time, this wasn’t the right person. I’m the friend that as a child vowed to never have sex before marriage, then I turned into the friend that would never have sex without a condom. I’ve always been the friend who would never have a child out of wedlock because I watched my single mother struggle to raise me, the child whose mother went above and beyond. The child whose father was abusive, sold drugs and was in and out of jail. The child who continued to yearn a relationship with her father despite how physically and emotionally abusive he was. This couldn’t be my child’s destiny and it damn sure couldn’t be mine.
I flew home. I knew it was time to face my reality. I texted him, I asked him if he was still picking me up from the airport… The response, “I can’t sorry, text me when you’re home.” I felt so alone. But this had to be done. I got home, put my bags in my room, got into my car and drove to the local drugstore. Gosh, buying pregnancy tests is so scary. What if I run into someone I know, who will I say it’s for. What if the cashier looks at me and judges me. Gosh, this is horrible. Screw it, I have to get it, I have to know. I walked in with my head held high, I bought the test and sped home. I peed in a cup, stuck the test in for 5 seconds and within the next 10 seconds, the test read “pregnant”… My heart shattered. I screamed, I cried, I cried, I cried and cried. I don’t think I have ever felt this broken. I knew already but reading those letters. I called one of my friends and proceeded to cry on the phone her response, “I’m on my way” the support was everything yes, but I needed to sit in this alone. I needed to process. I called him next, no answer, I called again, no answer. I sat and continued to cry. An hour later, he called back. I still couldn’t find the words to say it and continued to cry. We had talked about what we would do that night in the car and how this wasn’t the right time about the drama it would bring. I lied and said, “yeah, you’re right” but deep down, I wanted to keep my baby. This is all I’ve wanted for my entire life. All I’ve wanted was to be a mother. When we hung up, I called Planned Parenthood and scheduled an appointment. It was Monday, the appointment was for Wednesday.
Looking back it all happened so fast, probably too fast. I told him the appointment was for Wednesday, he said he would come. My mom came over, I sat her down and cut straight to the chase. I cried then I followed up with, I already scheduled an appointment. I remember when she found out I first lost my virginity, she told me “if you ever get pregnant, you tell me, you do not tell your father, he will hold this against you for your entire life.” That conversation wasn’t something I thought about until I read that word on that stick.
Wednesday came quicker than I anticipated. I had to leave work early, I changed out of my business wear and into sweatpants, got in the car and called him… “Are you on the way” he quickly replied, “Yes, I’ll be there” and I hung up. I put a playlist on and drove. My mom’s voice played in my head, “be prepared to see protestors, hold your head high and remain strong in your decision. Do not let them change how you feel, you have to deal with this, this is your decision, not theirs.” Something similar to what the man from Planned Parenthood said “there will be protestors outside ignore them, best you can.” I began to cry as I touched my pregnant belly in that moment I knew I had to get an abortion, I had to protect my child from this circumstance. My sister’s voice began to play in my head “it’s cells, it’s not a baby yet, you’re going in and getting a procedure. You’re removing cells that do not belong” and I made that my truth. I parked my car, I called him “are you here?” … “yeah I’m waiting outside for you.” We hugged, I was done crying, now, I had to be strong. “You good” … “yeah, let’s go” one of the protestor tried to hand me a prayer card, she tried to touch me as she said how I needed to reconsider. I felt weak. I felt defeated but I had to keep going. I refuse to bring my child into the world when I have nothing to give them.
We sat and waited for what felt like hours. Finally, they called my name. I went in was greeted by a smiling face. She asked me a number of questions then the question I waited for… “do you want to see the ultrasound?” I paused. “Yes” I had to see. I couldn’t stop myself, in that moment I broke. I think back to this moment, what gave me the strength to proceed? What made me continue? You did. You were innocent, I couldn’t bring you into this. “It’s okay. This is going to be difficult, but you’re strong.” I started to laugh and then apologized “Sorry, I’m a mess” we then talked about when I found out, she told me I could proceed, or not, or come back, she then let me know I’m not harming a baby, I’m removing cells from my body. and in that moment, I knew I could keep going. I said to myself over and over and over again, “you are getting a procedure, you are removing cells from your body.” If I could say it, I could remove the emotion from this, I could remove the attachment. I could keep going and that is exactly what I did. “No, I would like to proceed, thank you.”
Before you receive the abortion, you must consult with a counselor. You have to sit in front of someone who doesn’t know you from a hole in the wall and tell them how you are going to make this decision and you are not being forced to do this. I paused in the session, “can you go get him?” He came in a panic. I just needed to know if this is what HE really wanted. I really wanted him to say, I don’t feel good about this, I don’t want to do this, I want us to keep this baby, I want us to be together. I cried in his arms. He said nothing for a while, then said “So what are you thinking” … “I don’t know if I can do this.” His face, said it all, he face said it all for him. He didn’t want a kid, let alone a kid with his best friend who he just confessed his love to while on a break with his girlfriend. I felt it again, that push that I had to stop my tears and strengthen up and I did. “I will though, this is just hard but it’s what is best.” The counselor came back in, “would you like to proceed” I looked to him looking again for him to say no and he looked away. “Yes, I would.”
I went to the next room, I received the medication, was given a ginger ale and was given a guide on when to take the pills. Halloween was the next day, I couldn’t go to work, I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I didn’t want to try to act like I was happy when I was miserable. I took the first dose of my pills. I laid in bed all day, hearing little to nothing from him. Time went by, I wasn’t looking forward to 7PM… but then it came, I took the pills with my mom, I laid down, saltines, ginger ale, nausea pills, and a heating pad near by. I was fine for a while but then it started. It was time for everything to pass. I woke up screaming in pain, my mom came to my side. I threw up, I cried, I screamed, I felt like something was taking over my body. From 11pm to about 3 AM on October 31st going in to November 1st. God, it was horrible. I was nauseous all morning, I texted him looking for comfort… “I’m running around, sorry can’t help.” I cried and cried. How could I go through this and you not be there for me. I didn’t care about the physical, I cared about the emotional, I was so scared for my mental state. He said he would be there. He said he would come if I needed him. I asked him to come. I told him I needed him and he didn’t come. I felt the urge again, the urge to strengthen up, to continue to be strong and I was. I was because I had to.
Days went by, it was Saturday now, then Sunday. Monday, I had to go back to work. Life had to keep going, no matter how sad I was, no matter how tired I was. I went back to work as scheduled, acting as though nothing ever happened. I was fine, I was fine for a while. I’m fine until I drink, when I drink I go back to the night of conception, I go back to the day I received my abortion and I want to tell him how I feel. Each and every time. I resent him. He was there for the easiest part and left me out to dry for the hardest part. Getting an abortion is easy, living with the decision is hard, that’s what they don’t tell you, that’s what they don’t counsel you on.
It’s been 3 months since my abortion. I think about how far along I would be in my pregnancy, I’d be showing by now. I’d probably know the sex by now too. I think about my pregnancy and then I feel that urge again, the urge to strengthen up. I am proud of my strength. I am proud of my decision. I have healed physically and I am healing emotionally. I will be okay. I do not regret my abortion, my abortion was a decision I made to ensure my success for myself and my future family. My abortion does not make me any less than a person, my abortion has made me stronger. My abortion does not define me or my morals. My abortion was made out of love for a being. My abortion was a procedure where I removed cells in my body that did not belong there, YET. I will have children in the future with a man that will support me emotionally and physically. I will conceive my child out of love and with a sober mind.
