Young scared and ashamed.

by Jennifer

October 1, 2018

Content Warning: rape, abuse

I was 21yrs old.  I had moved to another state, first time in my life I had ever been on my own, no where near my family.  My trip out there was my first plane ride ever.  As soon as I arrived in the state that would become my home I found a job.  Not long after working I met a man.  We started dating.  I was so young, I came from an extremely religious background (I didn’t practice as I always had more questions than they answers, but still instilled in me enough to question myself at times.) I didn’t notice ALL the red flags in the beginning.  He was verbally and mentally abusive.   Months later I became pregnant.  I felt alone, lost, hopeless.  I had no family, even if they had been here they would’ve told me how wrong it was to consider an abortion because “prolife”.  The one thing I knew for sure was that not only was I too young to try to care for another human being but I didn’t want to be tied to this man forever.   So the decision was made.  He drove me to the clinic and then back home.  I waited tables at the time so I had taken 3 days off.   I went back to work as if nothing had happened.  As with when you have a baby, when you get an abortion they say no sex for 6wks.   One week later this man was holding me down having sex with me again.  It took me a long time to actually call that what it was….Rape.   5 short months later I came home from work with severe pain and bleeding.  My roommate took me to planned parenthood who did a pregnancy test and it was positive so they advised me to go straight to the hospital.  I was pregnant again, my head was spinning.  I had a blood clot behind my uterus that if it busted would it would’ve killed myself and the baby.  I was treated and released.   Even though I knew I didn’t want to have the baby this time he forced me to go.  He didn’t even stay.  He dropped me off and left me.  When you don’t have someone waiting for you,  they only allow certain “medicines” to be administered.  I…remember…everything.   He picked me up,  we didn’t talk much for the next week but again after a few days had gone by he began having sex with me again.   I finally got away later that year and moved home.  I now have 3 beautiful children (one whom got killed in a car accident 5yrs ago) and I am healing from a lot of last traumas.  I use to feel ashamed of my abortions but now I do share them because I feel it’s important for people to understand it was MY CHOICE, MY BODY, and NO SHAME.   No one should have ANY RIGHTS OVER YOUR BODY!!  I will continue to #shoutmyabortion until every woman has the rights to her own body.  Thank you for the courage for me and many other women.

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