The first time I found out I was pregnant I was happy. I never once thought that I should have an abortion even though I had just graduated high school and was going off to college. My mom and I have a very close relationship so I told her 2 days later. She urged me to get an abortion. She told me that she knows what she is talking about because she herself was a young mother. I know that she was just looking out for me and I appreciate that but I told her that I could never bring myself to have an abortion. I don’t feel it in my heart.

My first pregnancy was smooth. At 14 weeks I found out I was having a boy. I was ecstatic and couldn’t wait to meet my baby boy. I had taken the spring semester off because I would give birth in January so I needed that time off to take care of my new son. I had to be induced at 39 weeks because my blood pressure had spiked and it turns out that I had developed preeclampsia. I gave birth to him and I fell in love with him. He was the most beautiful thing in the world. I would do anything for him. That love must have been so intense that I needed myself to be the perfect mom for him. The first nights with him were hell. He wouldn’t stop crying unless he was nursing the entire night. My mental health was deteriorating. I was so traumatized that I would cry when my significant other would leave to work, leaving me alone with him. I begged anybody to stay with me because I was afraid of a newborn.

I was depressed for 6 months of his life. I had just started feeling better again, like myself. I was taking classes again, I felt like I had more of a purpose. One day I just had a feeling that I was pregnant again. I took a test and two faint lines appear. I was shocked. I didn’t feel happy, I felt numb. This time around I didn’t feel anything in my heart. I felt guilty because I didn’t feel anything for this new life. I didn’t want to go through depression again so soon I probably would have gone more insane.

Since we live with my mother in law, she found out. And because she doesn’t believe in abortion she was kind of trying to talk me out of it. I eventually said that I would keep it, just for her to stop reminding me of it. But that probably didn’t help because she got more excited and wanted to talk about it a lot. I even made a prenatal appointment for an ultrasound and when I saw the screen, (I thought maybe this would change my mind) it did nothing for me. I finally decided to have an abortion. I told my mother in law and she said she understood and she was glad that I was honest with her.

I made the appointment for the abortion and I had a great experience. I don’t regret it at all. My children need a happy mom so that they will be the best they can be. I like to think that I just sent them back to heaven and maybe they’ll go to someone who really wants them or maybe they’ll come back to me later.

arrow right More Stories arrow right Add Your Voice