My abortion was essential to my health and well being and I am the only human on earth that decides that.
I was 36 and my child was 8.
4 months removed from the toxic relationship and home that I shared with her father. It was never a question of what I needed to do. The instant I saw the positive result was also the instant that I knew my clear decision. I couldn’t keep this pregnancy. I couldn’t, and I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to for an ever growing list of personal reasons. And I COULD NOT because I knew it would be detrimental to my mental health and I wouldn’t be able to care for my 8year old child in the way that was needed and deserved.
I was about 5 weeks pregnant and I was relieved to find out about the abortion pill that, until that time, I didn’t know existed. I live in the south and the closest clinic was 2 hours away in either direction. I found out it cost $600 and at that time I was figuring out how to pay for rent and still have food for us. I reached out to Planned parenthood and after a few income questions I was able to receive close to $150 in funds toward the appointment. I was lucky to have 2 amazing friends supporting me. One, who lived on the other side of the country, reached out on my behalf anonymously to some close friends and family. 4 women who had no idea who I was or why I was asking for this help sent me more than $350 between them. Immediately. No questions asked. In that act of kindness I could feel the love and support of generations of women surrounding me. Lifting me up. And it was truly, in every sense of the word, life-saving.
For me personally, making the choice that I did was not difficult and it certainly was not traumatic.
But I do remember quite vividly feeling terrified that something would interfere with me receiving the care that I needed. The earliest appointment was 20 days out. and they were the longest of my life. What if they pass some crazy law? what if someone bombs the fucking clinic? What if someone tries to hurt me while I’m going in there? What about all the people out there who don’t have the support that I do? Those were the fears and worries that kept me up at night.
When the day finally came, a dear and highly trusted friend drove me to my appointment, 2 plus hours away, where we were greeted by a clinic escort (they are angels on earth) There were people with signs out by the gate but nothing that I couldn’t easily ignore. I didn’t feel afraid- I felt empowered. I felt supported. It was a long day. Lots of high emotions and lots of waiting. then at the end of it all I sat down in a chair next to a physician who asked me if I was there by choice and if I understood the medication. I did. I took the first pill right there and was given my prescription for the following day. I took the second pill the next morning at home . I spent that day with my heating pad, netflix and my best friend. I practiced loving and caring for myself. I rested and slept when I needed. I cried when I needed. I invited release. And the relief that I felt, that day and the days following, I will never find adequate words. It was immense. My abortion was essential to my health and well being and I am the only human on earth that decides that. I will live my life appreciating that choice and paying forward the kindness and support that was shown to me. If you are reading this and feel alone, please know that no matter what the reason is that you need an abortion, no matter the circumstance, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to defend or explain. You know what is best for you and no one else. You are loved and you are supported. Use care and thoughtfulness when doing so, and reach out for help if you need it. We got your back.
