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Why should we feel guilty?

by Anonymous

August 9, 2019

I had just graduated university when I found out I was pregnant. To tell the truth, I was devastated.

 

I had put the test off for two weeks. Me and my boyfriend of two years went on holiday and I woke up every morning of that 7 days sticking my head down the toilet. I just knew I was pregnant- my body was screaming it to me. When we got home I had to bite the bullet and face it- I took 3 tests in two days, even buying a £20 clearblue just ‘to be certain’ and as expected all three were positive.

I live in a uni flat and have a part time job, and for me personally, there is no way I could bring up a child. I felt heartless voicing it, but I really didn’t want to either. I was on the pill (Cerelle in the UK) and the only explanation I have for falling pregnant is one night forgetting to take it and doubling up the next day- I thought I’d be fine.

So I booked my abortion with no hesitation. I knew what I wanted in life and unfortunately a child wasn’t it and I’m not sure if I ever want one. I am career focussed and so is my boyfriend. By time I went to my initial appointment and scheduled the actual procedure I was 10 weeks and 5 days. In the hospital I live near, this only qualifies women for a surgical procedure under general anaesthetic. I googled the procedure, the effects of anaesthetic, the rate of failure- you name it, for days. I drove myself mad. I knew I didn’t want a child but I didn’t want to face a termination either.

Writing this, it’s the day after I have been discharged from hospital. Everything went smoothly and the surgical abortion was fine- I didn’t feel, see or experience a single part of the actual abortion and would recommend it to any woman in my position. I woke up in the hospital from the anaesthetic crying, I spotted the lovely man who put me to sleep and thanked him through my tears. These were tears of relief- I told the nurse I almost felt bad I was happy it was over.

I’m writing this because I want other women to know you should NEVER feel guilty for doing what is best for you. I woke up this morning and stared down at my stomach, I don’t feel pregnant anymore. I started to feel really guilty and it was almost like reality hit- I HAVE done this. It’s over. Part of me feels like I should of had more empathy from the start, it was my fault for getting pregnant and I should of just faced the consequence.

But the logical part of me is screaming it was the right decision. I can focus on myself, my career, my mental state feels better, my boyfriend can stop worrying and we can concentrate on the present- with no long term responsibilities. I have two divorced parents and my boyfriend was in care-  if anything it’s made me look at the situation like abortion is a kind thing if it’s not right.  I would much rather a child grow up in a home where it’s loved, it’s wanted. I didn’t want a child and I was resenting what was beginning to grow inside my stomach.

I just want others to remember that abortion is okay. It’s okay to feel relived, to not want a child, whether it now or ever. It’s nobody else’s decision and NOBODY else should have an opinion on what YOU do with YOUR body.  A child is a lifetime commitment and no woman should ever be forced into that commitment if the timing isn’t right.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!