I had just graduated university when I found out I was pregnant. To tell the truth, I was devastated.
I had put the test off for two weeks. Me and my boyfriend of two years went on holiday and I woke up every morning of that 7 days sticking my head down the toilet. I just knew I was pregnant- my body was screaming it to me. When we got home I had to bite the bullet and face it- I took 3 tests in two days, even buying a £20 clearblue just ‘to be certain’ and as expected all three were positive.
I live in a uni flat and have a part time job, and for me personally, there is no way I could bring up a child. I felt heartless voicing it, but I really didn’t want to either. I was on the pill (Cerelle in the UK) and the only explanation I have for falling pregnant is one night forgetting to take it and doubling up the next day- I thought I’d be fine.
So I booked my abortion with no hesitation. I knew what I wanted in life and unfortunately a child wasn’t it and I’m not sure if I ever want one. I am career focussed and so is my boyfriend. By time I went to my initial appointment and scheduled the actual procedure I was 10 weeks and 5 days. In the hospital I live near, this only qualifies women for a surgical procedure under general anaesthetic. I googled the procedure, the effects of anaesthetic, the rate of failure- you name it, for days. I drove myself mad. I knew I didn’t want a child but I didn’t want to face a termination either.
Writing this, it’s the day after I have been discharged from hospital. Everything went smoothly and the surgical abortion was fine- I didn’t feel, see or experience a single part of the actual abortion and would recommend it to any woman in my position. I woke up in the hospital from the anaesthetic crying, I spotted the lovely man who put me to sleep and thanked him through my tears. These were tears of relief- I told the nurse I almost felt bad I was happy it was over.
I’m writing this because I want other women to know you should NEVER feel guilty for doing what is best for you. I woke up this morning and stared down at my stomach, I don’t feel pregnant anymore. I started to feel really guilty and it was almost like reality hit- I HAVE done this. It’s over. Part of me feels like I should of had more empathy from the start, it was my fault for getting pregnant and I should of just faced the consequence.
But the logical part of me is screaming it was the right decision. I can focus on myself, my career, my mental state feels better, my boyfriend can stop worrying and we can concentrate on the present- with no long term responsibilities. I have two divorced parents and my boyfriend was in care- if anything it’s made me look at the situation like abortion is a kind thing if it’s not right. I would much rather a child grow up in a home where it’s loved, it’s wanted. I didn’t want a child and I was resenting what was beginning to grow inside my stomach.
I just want others to remember that abortion is okay. It’s okay to feel relived, to not want a child, whether it now or ever. It’s nobody else’s decision and NOBODY else should have an opinion on what YOU do with YOUR body. A child is a lifetime commitment and no woman should ever be forced into that commitment if the timing isn’t right.
