Many women confided that they tell others it was a miscarriage for fear of being judged and ridiculed. Why are we made to feel that way?
No contraception in history is ever 100%. 99% still leaves you with a 1% chance of getting pregnant. It also can have damaging side effects such as plastic leaching toxins into your body or hormonal. But we deal with it, because that’s whats available. I’ve been on contraception since I was 15. I’m now 26. This year, 2 weeks ago, I had an abortion at 6 weeks.
I’ve known from a very young age that as much as I love kids and how cute they are (I will look after your kids with love and make them laugh), I never wanted to have them myself. My goals in life are different to the mainstream and I am complete as I am now. I’m not missing anything. I’m happy.
People tell me all the time: “Oh, you’ll change your mind. Just give it a few more years.” “A child changes your life, you may not want it now, but when baby is born you wouldn’t have it any other way.” What they don’t understand is that I have always been this sure. I’m not 99%, I’m 100% and I know myself.
I did this out of love.
I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. We’ve always been careful, because he has a little girl of his own. A-diaphragm-that-fell-out-baby. It impacted his life in many ways both positive and negative.
So when I saw the two blue positive lines; I went to pieces. He vomited.
He is on a temporary student visa in which we will never be sure the government will allow him to become a permanent resident. Since Covid, I’m unemployed and he is only permitted to work 20 hours a week. Even sharing a child there is no guarantee that we would be together in the long term; but that’s another issue of itself within our system here.
The hardest part was not the abortion itself but the stigma surrounding abortion and the conditioning I was brought up with as a Catholic. My doctor confided that abortion is normal and there are many who get them, all for valid reasons. He was the only one who did not react any certain way and helped me feel supported.
However it did not seem this way in society at all. Even with Australia passing laws to allow abortion, it still goes to say that the taboo of it has stuck around. I joined an abortion support Facebook group. It was the only support I could find. Many women confided that they tell others it was a miscarriage for fear of being judged and ridiculed. Why are we made to feel that way?
I was always sure of my decision but it was distressing to confront that it *could be* a baby in 9 months. I mean now I look at it and most of my life history there have been things that *could be.* But they were not the present. I was filled with anguish that I had been put into this situation.
When I confided in a few of my best friends, ones who were usually so open-minded, I was taken back at how they responded. Somehow they made my circumstance about them. “I’ve been through a miscarriage, so I don’t really agree with abortions.” “I didn’t tell you, but we’ve been trying to have a baby for so long, I envy you and you should be grateful for this gift.” “I thought you were vegan?” Some began distancing themselves from me. And on it went.
One thing those people all had in common was that they were ready for a baby. I felt like I needed to compensate for my friend with infertility issues, or my other friend who regretted having her tubes tied even though those issues were separate. I felt alone.
Do we make someone’s trauma about ourselves if we are dealing with someone who is struggling with depression? Would we try to sneak in our “advice” or opinions when it comes to mental health?
The short answer is no.
You listen without judgement. You support them regardless. So then why do people feel the need to tell me their opinion when I didn’t ask? When I only needed emotional support?
Many get hung up about what “could be” and not what actually “IS.” An embryo or fetus cannot live outside the womb unassisted or even with medical intervention for up to 21 weeks. So up until this point it’s just a “flutter” of activity and cell building.
It is my opinion that my life comes first. My mental health comes first. I come first.
How is it, that a fetus which is essentially an undeveloped baby who cannot function without almost all its parts, gets priority over me? An already functioning human? Why am I not considered in this equation? I didn’t choose this. I never thought I would have to either. But it’s happened. And it’s happened because I am the 1%.
I share my story publicly to help dismantle the stigma surrounding abortion and let women know they are not alone. That they can talk openly about their abortion without having to rewrite their story for other people’s ears and beliefs. Disenfranchised grief is real. You are allowed to grieve even for a decision that’s right for you. You are allowed to have body autonomy and you are allowed to reject being forced into motherhood.
I #StayAnotherDay because I had a #choice.
