What if?

by Anonymous

February 9, 2021

Content Warning: coercion

What if I had chosen to keep my child? I think about this every day. It has been one year since my abortion.  My pregnancy came as a shock to both me and my boyfriend whom I was living with.  I was on the birth control pill.  I had never been pregnant before and immediately began to wonder if this was my destiny, especially because of the circumstances prior to my pregnancy (like prolonged use of the birth control pill.)

Before my pregnancy we had discussed our feelings on having children, I wanted them and he did not, but we foolishly continued our relationship.  So needless to say the reaction from my s.o. was not as I had hoped. He was cruel. Immediately after showing him my pregnancy test he said we have to get an abortion. There wasn’t a moment’s hesitation and I was paralyzed with fear and sadness from the first moment. But it didn’t end there. He persistently put doubt in my heart. Things were said like my life is over, I should have broken up with you before this happened, you are my prison, silent treatments, and random cursing from the other room. I was quickly becoming depressed and felt as though I was ruining someone’s life. Until eventually he started to bargain with me saying that if I get the abortion now that he will give me children in the future.  I was so broken from weeks of this treatment from him that I agreed to have an abortion under the condition he would one day make me a mother.

He took me to the clinic and I had a surgical abortion. (I paid for it.) It honestly still scares me when I think about it. Everything in that span of my life is so vivid from the trauma of the abortion, pregnancy and how alone and guilty I felt for being pregnant. I eventually blamed him for my ultimate decision, and I could not shake the feelings of resentment and distrust. Our relationship ended about three months ago.  I miss him and I miss the baby and I ultimately regret my decision, and so does he.  If I would give anyone going through this any advice its this: please do not make any decisions on your pregnancy for anyone but yourself. Although I regret mine I fully support the right to choose.

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