We wanted them

by Anonymous

June 7, 2019

I was 19, my partner the same age when we found out. We hadn’t even been together a year yet, I was finishing my first year of college and he was establishing his career.when we found out, we cried all night. We wanted a child and a family of our own, but we knew we could not have them now.

I hated myself. I hated the idea that I had been brought up believing that I was killing my child. I knew I could never be a good mother if I killed the one I was given. But there was no way we could have supported them. I was a full time student with no income, my partner was surviving on minimum wage. I had only started antidepressants a month before and was not mentally able or mentally ready to care for a child.  Going through the options, if we kept them, we would all be living in poverty, not able to provide the life we wanted for them. If we did adoption, we both would be heartbroken, knowing there is our kid out in the broken system who was living without us, thinking we hated them. We wanted to be great parents, but we couldn’t do it now.

Abortion was our only option. We couldn’t afford it so we had to travel three states over, and get help from a fund. We paid for half out of our pockets. We cried the entire week before, thinking of what could be, naming them and talking about how we would hope to raid me them. Walking into the planned parenthood was terrifying. We thought they would be insensitive, but everyone was so helpful in every way, knowing we were terrified.

After I took the second set of pills, I started bleeding. Lighter than I thought, but as soon as I saw it I broke down. I wanted that possible child. I wanted them in my stomach and I wanted to protect them and raise them right. But I couldn’t do it then. I wasn’t ready, and it would have been a rough life for them.

I know I’ll get them in the future, we will see them again when the time is right, and we will be ok. I do not regret what I did, it was right, but I still hold onto what could have been. We wanted them. We still do. But we have to wait just a bit longer, and it will be ok.

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