We changed our minds… sort of

by PL

February 14, 2019

I am married to an amazing man who I want to be the father of my children… one day.  We have talked about wanting a family but knew because of my medical conditions it would be unlikely to happen and were told to expect it to take a while. We stopped using protection around the first of the year. I only cycle 2-6 times a year so when we didn’t get a positive test quickly we weren’t worried. Well, 9 months later we found out we were pregnant! We were elated! Then we weren’t so sure. We are not financially ready for a family and started thinking maybe we should wait. Since I didn’t know we were pregnant I drank at my best friends wedding only a week before finding out. Then we lost our medical insurance. Together we decided that if we are going to have kids it needs to be when things are more stable. I know there is no such thing as perfect timing, but there such a thing a the wrong time. We agreed that it was the wrong time. We both cried… a lot. The process was awful. They had to run additional tests to make sure they could safely offer me the pill. Then the pill didn’t work but there was no turning back after taking it. I had to schedule another appointment. He came with me and held me hand. He’s a good man. I cradled me later that night while I cried from pain – both physical and emotional. He woke me up the next morning with a kiss and told me he still picks me. We were both worried that afterwards the other would develop feelings of resentment or anger. That didn’t happen. We remained open and honest and loved each other harder. Two months have passed. We talk about the abortion occasionally. We both regret that the timing wasn’t right and that we were foolish enough to think somehow it might have been. If/when we expand our family, we will be proud to be parents. Neither of us would change our choice. Neither of us feel like villains.

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