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Slowly I Began to Hear My Own Voice Again

by Caitlin

September 25, 2017

I had an abortion in the middle of a bad breakup. I’d been with my fiancé for 5 years, engaged for 4, and miserable for at least 3. He was emotionally manipulative and had a serious temper. The relationship took everything out of me, I felt like a shell of myself. After years of struggling I finally got up the nerve to leave. The day before I planned to move I realized I was late. I took a pregnancy test just in case and it was positive.

I have never wanted anything more than to be a mother. My fiancé and I had planned on having children together. I even had some names picked out. But sitting there in the living room surrounded by moving boxes holding the promise of something better, I knew I could not have this baby. Bringing a baby into the mess of this toxic relationship would be downright irresponsible. I would never wish that on a child. I didn’t even know who I was anymore and I knew that I couldn’t be a mother like this.

 

Having the abortion itself was completely painless. I am so blessed to have health insurance that covered the procedure. I was put under general anesthesia and I felt and remember nothing. I’ve had teeth cleanings that were worse. Afterwards I sat on the couch with my dad and we watched Ratatouille. My family was wonderful and supportive. It was a very difficult decision for me and took a lot of emotional healing. Afterwards slowly I began to hear my own voice again.

 

Its been almost 5 years,  and I can see now that having that abortion is the best decision I ever made. I have grown in ways I never could have imagined back then. I am in a happy healthy relationship, I am far more confident than I ever thought I could be, and most importantly I am learning to love myself. I I am who am today because I had that abortion. I am grateful every day for it.

 

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