Two of The Hardest Decisions of My Life

by S

June 11, 2019

Two Of The Hardest Decisions Of My Life


I had two abortions.


In 2015, I was diagnosed with a mental health problem that required intensive medication so strong that it slowed my speech. Needless to say, this was a controlled substance that I had to take to balance me out.


While on the medication my judgment was extremely bad. My mind was always cloudy and my memory became very poor. To this day I do not remember much from that time. In the time I was on the medication, I had unprotected sex. Mistake number one. With someone I hardly knew. Mistake number two. Who also had severe mental health issues.


Looking back on it, I shouldn’t have even been able to make the decision to sleep with anyone. I was that out of my head.


I found out I was pregnant a month later. I was adamant on keeping the baby. My whole life I’ve wanted to be a mother. However, I had no job, no insurance, no means of support, and I was mentally sick.


My family and all of my friends suggested I look into my options and visit the doctor. My doctor determined the medication I was on would be fatal or very damaging to the baby.

Everyone suggested I have an abortion.


Deep down I knew it was the right thing to do but it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I know I wouldn’t have been able to support a child, support myself, or handle anything that would have come my way with a child with special needs or even possible a still birth.


My second abortion went differently. I had been dating someone for awhile. We lived together. Both had jobs. However, we were using protection because we were not ready to make that decision yet.


I got pregnant. His response was “it’s up to you.”


We were not making the money needed to have a child. We were nowhere near having a healthy relationship. We weren’t ready.


I had to endure that pain of knowing that I have had the opportunity to be a mother twice now and I’m throwing it away.


But, I would not have been able to give either baby the life that they deserved. I wouldn’t have been able to put food on the table, get them to the doctors, let alone drive them around. I was not capable of being a mother.


I have tons of guilt over my second abortion daily. With everything going on in the world today I am infuriated by the way people talk about us who have had to go through it. I wish I was strong enough to yell in their face that I have been through it.


Whether anyone agrees with my decisions doesn’t matter to me. I know I did what was right for me and what was the unselfish thing.


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