Two Of The Hardest Decisions Of My Life

I had two abortions.

In 2015, I was diagnosed with a mental health problem that required intensive medication so strong that it slowed my speech. Needless to say, this was a controlled substance that I had to take to balance me out.

While on the medication my judgment was extremely bad. My mind was always cloudy and my memory became very poor. To this day I do not remember much from that time. In the time I was on the medication, I had unprotected sex. Mistake number one. With someone I hardly knew. Mistake number two. Who also had severe mental health issues.

Looking back on it, I shouldn’t have even been able to make the decision to sleep with anyone. I was that out of my head.

I found out I was pregnant a month later. I was adamant on keeping the baby. My whole life I’ve wanted to be a mother. However, I had no job, no insurance, no means of support, and I was mentally sick.

My family and all of my friends suggested I look into my options and visit the doctor. My doctor determined the medication I was on would be fatal or very damaging to the baby.

Everyone suggested I have an abortion.

Deep down I knew it was the right thing to do but it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I know I wouldn’t have been able to support a child, support myself, or handle anything that would have come my way with a child with special needs or even possible a still birth.

My second abortion went differently. I had been dating someone for awhile. We lived together. Both had jobs. However, we were using protection because we were not ready to make that decision yet.

I got pregnant. His response was “it’s up to you.”

We were not making the money needed to have a child. We were nowhere near having a healthy relationship. We weren’t ready.

I had to endure that pain of knowing that I have had the opportunity to be a mother twice now and I’m throwing it away.

But, I would not have been able to give either baby the life that they deserved. I wouldn’t have been able to put food on the table, get them to the doctors, let alone drive them around. I was not capable of being a mother.

I have tons of guilt over my second abortion daily. With everything going on in the world today I am infuriated by the way people talk about us who have had to go through it. I wish I was strong enough to yell in their face that I have been through it.

Whether anyone agrees with my decisions doesn’t matter to me. I know I did what was right for me and what was the unselfish thing.