i met this guy in my neighborhood when i was 17, i never really learned his age. our relationship was abnormal. at some point i moved away from that neighborhood and our city, and he asked to visit. at the time, i felt alone in this new city. i had nobody, so i agreed. i would’ve never done it unprotected that night, more for the fear of sti’s than anything.
i found out once i had moved back to my city, maybe a month later. i knew the exact date of conception. i told my sister as she was sitting outside the bathroom, and she told me i needed an abortion. i cried my eyes out, how could she even suggest that? i called the man, and told her how cold my sister was. long story short, he screamed at me, screamed that i couldn’t have the baby, screamed at how i could accuse him of overpowering me and forcing himself on me. i went home.
i had multiple drop offs from my sister to the abortion clinic, but i couldn’t do it. even seeing the tiny blob on my 5 week sonogram. i couldn’t do it. eventually the man came down and stayed with me to ensure i did the procedure. that night i begged him to keep it. he responded by grabbing me by my throat and holding me in the air until i saw black, the message was clear. i went to sleep, actually being held in his arms. we went to the clinic and he sat outside. i cried the entire time. i was supposed to be due in January this year. he said he would be with me during the entire process, then he abandoned me. i was completely alone.
looking back, i don’t think having a child with my abuser would’ve been the best outcome. although the story is painful. i’ve tried to find peace. i know he probably would’ve found ways to hurt us anyway, if he attacked me while pregnant, what would’ve stopped him from abusing that baby. i know i saved both of us, and i am safe now.
now 2 months after my due date, i’m 9 weeks pregnant. with someone else who is supportive, and although our situation isn’t perfect, I’m just grateful that i was given another chance. thinking of my current pregnancy, i just always think about how i was never able to get this far before.
i struggle, i think of how my pain was so, at times, unnecessary. there’s a lot of women my age who never went through pregnancy loss. i know I’ve always wanted to be a mother, I just asked why me? why did i need to go through this pain? all i wanted was my baby, and now that I’m pregnant again, I can’t stop thinking about the baby I lost. I sit here waiting for this baby, and in the meanwhile thinking of how i could’ve already had mine.
but the difference is that before i was being abused, borderline tortured by this person. and i was going into a very deadly situation. i got the privilege to know both sides of a similar story. of what it’s like to have to lose your baby, and what’s it’s like when you have the opportunity to keep it. the man im with now is young just like me, but we are trying our best to make things work, and im excited.
my moral of the story is, that you will always have another chance. you just need to live long enough to let that dream find you.
