When I was 19 I chose to undergo corrective underbite jaw surgery in August, before the surgery I had to pee in a cup for them to test pregnancy. Standard procedure. In the operating room the nurse said “patient is not pregnant”. I said “thank God” out loud and then I proceeded to have my surgery. Recovering was not easy but I noticed I missed my period and i figured it was due to the pain medicine and stress on my body from a major surgery. Later I started getting really worried and I took a pregnancy test, I prepared myself for what I already knew was happening. I looked at the positive pregnancy test and I broke down in my bathroom. I was not ready to be a mom, I didn’t even think I wanted a baby. I want to go to medical school and be a doctor, not be a mom that struggles to feed her baby. I told my boyfriend of 2 years and we cried together because we really did want to keep it and love it. But we both knew we weren’t ready mentally or financially. I worried that due to me being put under for surgery and being on many pain meds it would have harmed the baby. Eventually I booked an appointment for a medical abortion (the pill) and we drove 3 hours to the office. We waited about 3 hours and the doctor gave me a pill to take then to stop the pregnancy and 4 pills to insert 24 hours later to cause the bleeding and expelling. 24 hours passed and I decided to smoke some weed to handle the pain of cramps that I knew was coming. I’m glad I did because I was shaking and cramping worse than I ever have, no one tells you that it’s similar to a miscarriage and that miscarriages are very painful. But the next day I was fine, it was like I was having a very heavy period and then I went back to normal I didn’t regret anything.
Fast forward to march and I ran out of birth control and I had ordered more but it wasn’t there yet and I was terrified but didn’t have sex much (still with the same boyfriend) so I didn’t think anything of it. I had my period at the end of March I thought everything was fine until I did not get my period for April. I started to become obsessed with the idea that I could be pregnant again and I was so scared. I was now 20 and I was still not ready but I had promised myself I would never get another abortion. Well I lied to myself. I quickly took a pregnancy test and it was positive yet again and I had no emotion, I was just shocked at how easily I got pregnant while so many woman struggle to get pregnant. I felt like a complete asshole because I already knew I couldn’t keep my baby even though this time it really killed me to think about not keeping it. I booked an appointment at an office 5 hours away to get a surgical abortion. I was terrified. Would it hurt? Would I regret it? Would this time be the time that really messed me up? I was so scared. The day came and we left at 3:30am to make a 10am appointment, we waited about 5 hours and my name was finally called for the last step. The nurses were really really sweet and not judgmental, it made me want to cry with how supportive they were. One held my hand while the other sedated me, it was an awake sedation but I’m pretty sure I fell asleep because once the doctor came in I don’t remember anything until someone was helping me get up and put my underwear with my pad and pants on and walk me to the recovery room. I felt very loopy and calm and I just wanted to go to sleep, my boyfriend came into the recovery room and the nurse and him walked me to the car and we drove home. This time really messed me up and I definitely feel really guilty. It’s not even been a week since I got it and I’m hoping it eases up. I told a few friends about the first one and I told no one about the second fearing judgement and it’s been really hard but I do not regret it because I know this is what’s best for me. When I am ready for a baby I want to be able to spoil my little angel and not bring someone into this shitty world without being supported. If you’re going through this you are a strong woman and you got this. I believe in you.
