At 15 I got pregnant. I did not want to carry the stereotype that most Latina women have of having children very young. When I was pregnant, I did not feel pregnant for the little time I was, no symptoms no anything. At 7 weeks, I got an abortion and only til this day 2 people know, none that were family members. I got the abortion pill. And I can say it was one of the worst experiences I ever had. Constantly throwing up, and bleeding for more than 2 months.
At 22 I was able to graduate college with a Bachelors degree and start my Masters degree. At 22 I got pregnant for the second time. With no full time job and being a first year masters student, I knew that having a baby was not in the plans. While being pregnant I felt all the symptoms emotional and physical. All the cravings, the fatigue, the mood swings, and the nausea. Knowing that I still had to work for my future and having a baby may hinder it for the moment, I decided to get a second abortion. I felt ashamed and guilty for having to do this for a second time. The second time I had a surgical abortion- it was not painful physically. During the procedure it was so emotionally painful- being partially awake and hearing the sound of the vacuum removing the fetus was emotionally painful.
Took me weeks to process what I have been through, and for many days I did not allow myself to feel relieved from having the abortion. I thought I was supposed to feel guilty –otherwise I feared being perceived as a bad person if I felt relieved from having an abortion. While this was all happening at a pivotal time in my life, I managed to finish my first semester of graduate school. Processing this trauma allowed me to look at an abortion as a blessing for me, a chance to break many generational traumas and being able to work on myself to be a successful person financially and emotionally.
Often times I feel selfish. But, I know that if I’m not fully stable and I’m bringing someone into this world it would be to struggle, like I did growing up. And if I have an opportunity to avoid passing on past traumas, I will and I will not feel ashamed or guilty. Putting yourself first will take you to a beautiful place.
