Turning Towards What We Want to Create

by Kristina Turner

May 2, 2017

Forty three years ago, when I was 25, I got pregnant together with my 22 year-old boyfriend.  Together, we made the choice to abort.  I had a spiritual friend who invited us to talk to the spirit of the baby. We had a tender talk, with tears and questions asked and answered.  After that conversation, I understood how I am responsible for choosing to live in a way that I know I have something of value to share with a child. So my choice was to abort and then devote myself to growing wiser, stronger, more creatively expressed and fulfilled before becoming a mother. Sad and relieved, my boyfriend said this was his choice, too.

I am grateful that the woman doctor and nurses were warm, friendly and helped me be at ease.  My boyfriend came with me and drove me home to his parents house, where I was welcomed to rest in their guest room – a simple, all white room that opened onto a courtyard.  For the next several days, I rested, read Eileen Caddy’s book God Spoke To Me, and wrote in my journal.  I felt as if my whole body was being filled and renewed with white light. A profound gentleness streamed through me. I can still feel that as I am writing today.

Over the next several years my spiritual and creative growth unfolded with a dreamlike quality. I was drawn to a women’s spirituality circle to study the herstory of women’s art, goddess cultures, healing herbs, hands on healing. A pamphlet called Witches, Midwives and Healers had a deep impact on me, as I began to understand how women’s wisdom was suppressed for thousands of years. I went to live at the Findhorn Community (which was started by Eileen and Peter Caddy) in Scotland. I was amazed at how my creative abilities emerged and flourished working in the kitchen there.

 

When I returned to the States, I began to study and teach holistic healing and natural foods cooking. One day I knew inside myself that I was going to write a book. I sat at the typewriter and an outline of all the chapter titles poured onto the page. Four years later, when I held the first copy of my self-published Self-Healing Cookbook, I wrapped it in a baby blanket and passed it round a circle of friends to be blessed. Sometime in the middle of writing that book I remember writing down that I wanted it to support me while I birthed and raised a child.

I learned shiatsu and often received acupuncture sessions for well-being. During one session, I experienced a big rush of energy travel up my legs. The next day I had a release of very dark menstrual blood.  The acupuncturist said it was clearing an old blockage….and my mind flashed to grief I had not completely expressed after the abortion. I understand now that grief has many layers. Only after that release did I begin to wonder if I wanted to become a mother now, and to talk deeply with my husband about those wonderings.

The storyline of life doesn’t go in a straight line.  The year my book was published, my dear husband Rich was diagnosed with melanoma.  Two years later, after his death, I met and married Matthew. And the next year, when I was 40, I gave birth to our fabulous son, Calen. Twenty seven years later, the cookbook is still selling!

 

One day after Donald Trump was elected, we were all sitting in my kitchen – my ex-husband Matthew, my son, one his friends, and my dear friend Nan, sharing our fears about how this election will impact so many vulnerable people.  I invited us to turn the conversation away from fear and towards what we want to create in the world now.  “You know what I want to see?” I said. “I want to see women who have had abortions speak up and tell our stories!” I shared with them the story I am sharing with you here.

Tonight, at announcements time in the Free Range Folk Choir where I sing, I learned about this website – shoutyourabortion.com – started by the daughter of one of our altos!  I love how life energy circles and spirals!