First of all, I am a 27 year old with an 8 year old daughter. She is what has grounded me and I’ve been very sacrificing to her, and recently found out she is a genius in IQ and has talents beyond normal. I’m very proud of her.
Before I got pregnant with my beloved daughter, I had a legitimate miscarriage at 15 years old. I was 5 months along and not sure what happened, I could hardly believe I was pregnant and told no one as I still didn’t show much. The miscarriage was extremely bad as I was pretty far along. I will never forget my mom’s hatred when I had to go to the ER or the doctors assuming I had done something to cause termination. Passing a fetus that large was a nightmare on my own after the er visit. My family refused to talk about it or help me.
After the miscarriage, I had birth control shoved at me from every direction. None of it worked for me. The pills made me bleed constantly while on them, and the shot made me bleed for a YEAR. I gave up after trying so many around 17.
Then, at 18, I find out Im pregnant with my, now, 8 year old. The boyfriend literally left to join the circus, I was fired, later thrown out of the house, and turned to section 8 housing and food stamps. There was no way I could afford an abortion at the time and planned an adoption that didn’t work out. When the boyfriend came back a few weeks before she was born, I realized how abusive he was. He threatened me and her even after she was born to “punch her if I didn’t change her diaper.” I still live with a custody order with this ex and am dealing with contempts and court to this day. He gets an excuse to abuse me and harass me almost every day for years. I feel like I’m dragging her through hell. She wants to visit and love him yet he is mean to her and calls her a bitch. No evidence so I am forced to drop her off again and again. I opted for a non-hormonal IUD after having her, but it slipped and I was forced to take it out myself out of poverty. I decided never again to birth control, even without hormones.
When I finally found love again, I rushed to get married at 23. He was wild and crazy but good with us…until we got married and lived together. He started to take off and sabotage us financially and emotionally. He became a drunk. He got drunk and impregnated me without my consent. I found out I was pregnant just a few months into the marriage and thought I finally had everything I wanted because we were officially married and he was just going through a thing. He wasn’t just going through a thing. He got far worse until finally moving us into a another house, robbing me while I was at work, leaving us with nothing the day before rent was due, and threatening me if I tried to leave, saying he was watching the house. I called some friends and planned my first abortion. I was about 14 weeks by then, so I had to have the surgery. I am so grateful to not be forced to have that monster’s child and still only feel relief to this day, though I don’t openly talk about it. I told everyone but my best friends who stayed with me that it was a miscarriage.
Now, at 27, I’m a day away from having my second abortion. I’m 6 weeks along and I finally got the guts to to break it off because of it. I tried to talk to him about missing a period but he just yelled a lot when I had doubts about being ready. We didn’t date for very long (less than 6 months) but I feel like he tried to get me pregnant for some reason. This time around I was drunk and he knowingly came inside of me and told me he hoped I got pregnant. I told him I wanted to wait to have kids and move in together and he used micro punishments like isolation and threats of breaking up, complaining I was playing high school. Since I’m so early on I opted for the medical abortion immediately. To be honest, I don’t think I could do another surgical. I’m scared of needles and can’t afford two trips 6 hours away like the new laws require. Luckily, there’s a place that will do medical all in one day without sedation needed. It will still cost about the same, unfortunately, due to new laws but it is available.
Up until several months ago, I was back on government assistance living next to crack heads and I don’t want to go back. I want to do better for my daughter on my own with my new job and small house. I know I’m making the right decision.
All in all, I hate the argument that women use abortion as birth control. If you’ve ever had an abortion before, you in NO way find that to be an alternative to birth control. Its scary, painful, makes you isolated, expensive, includes travel out of state sometimes, and can cause issues like if it perforates the uterus. Since I can’t take birth control, I’m left in the dark ages – along with a lot of other women I have known who have a reaction to hormones etc. It’s dangerous to keep taking it.
The problem for me has always been abusive men who want to control the women they are with with their sperm. I’m no man hater or feminist, but men have a long way to go with respecting womens bodies. It feels like I’m cursed, at times, to keep going through this. Getting my tubes tied can be dangerous and permanent but it looks like I have to be done having kids altogether so that I can have consensual sex at all. Sex will happen again, it is a basic human instinct. The men I’ve been with seem to think a baby is the best way to hold me down, but it is not them that have to carry it or take primary custody because they “have to work”.. leaving me stuck at a part time job for years living off of food stamps just trying to get our mutual child to school without breaking down or missing the few work hours I am allotted. I’ve been through it before and child support either doesn’t come or isn’t enough. My child shouldn’t have to go back to the projects because mommy’s boyfriend was yet another control freak.
So tomorrow is the day and likely the day I set up my procedure to be infertile altogether.
