My abortion happened in 2018. I was 26 years old. I was very vulnerable at that time and struggling with low mood and low self-esteem. People around me started having kids and I wanted the same for me, thinking it would fill the void I felt inside of me. Back then, I was a student, unhappy with my graduate program and without a clue what to do for a job after graduation. I thought about becoming a therapist but some people tried to talk me out of it. I was so lost.
At this time, I met my ex. He came into my life like a whirlwind. He was from a dream island in Brazil. He would start inviting me to parties and trips together and had big dreams about moving to Australia. He was like a get away car from my low mood and constant worries about the future. I fell for him. He talked me into having sex without contraception, stating that contraception was bad for a women’s body. I was a bit hesitant at first, but then went with it. He was very charming and convincing and seemed to genuinely care about my well-being. Everything felt like an adventure and possible with him. Looking back, it was irresponsible but back then I was in love and secretly hoping for a family so I would not have minded a pregnancy. From his behavior he gave me the impression that he thought the same.
Long story short, in January 2018 I got pregnant after he told me he wanted a baby with me and came inside of me willingly and knowingly on two days. After the pregnancy test came out positive, all hell broke loose. His immediate response was disbelief, saying the test would be false. He then started listening to music with the lyrics “Bitch don’t kill my vibe” and “Sinner man, where you gonna run to” and went away for a vacation, leaving me behind alone. To say I was shattered is an understatement. I turned to my family hoping for help but they put pressure on me to abort and told me that they would not help me at all, would I decide to keep the baby. They were worried about my future as a single mum and afraid of my ex boyfriend. I had the instinct to run away and hide somewhere so my baby could grow inside of me and be safe but in the end I succumbed to the pressure.
I had the abortion while my ex was on yet another vacation in which he even started texting with his ex. Later, he tried to make me feel bad for going through the procedure all by myself in the sense that I would be the one who ended the child’s life when really he was the one who made me pregnant, then let me down and went on a holiday instead of supporting me. The one who had convinced me to not use contraception and had told me he wanted a baby with me! Sickening behavior, really. I was trauma bonded to him and stayed for some more months, then finally managed to break free from this troubled man with such a dark soul.
Coming to terms with my abortion has been extremely hard for me. I sought a lot of help and read many books on the topic. I am much further along in my recovery journey than I used to be and yet it feels like I need a little bit more of healing. But especially, I want to stop being ashamed of what happened to me. I used to beat myself up thinking how could I have been so naïve to let this happen. I had wanted a baby and ended up having an abortion. But then, I never would have expected my ex to let me down like this. It was just something I could not have imagined at that time because it was too far from my reality, my truth and my beliefs about the world. I was still relatively young, in love, without anyone supporting the pregnancy and with a lot of pressure on me. I did what I could.
I now want to start sharing my story and own it instead of hiding myself out of shame. It is not my fault that I trusted this man that I loved back then and who had wooed me. Looking back, I think he had a lot of issues on his own and low self-esteem and that hurting me was some kind of power game that made him feel more powerful, gave him satisfaction and made him feel less small.
With my story, I want you to know that whatever story is behind your abortion, no one has the right to judge you. I was ashamed for too long. The truth is that sometimes, bad things happen to good people. I cannot undo what happened to me but I can raise my voice and help to destigmatize abortion.
