Today was the day for me. I called myself taking a vow of celibacy New Year’s, but lord knows half of us can’t keep a resolution to save our lives.
I ended up breaking my vow Feb 9. The man I was with never gave a damn about me. Yet a few drinks said otherwise. I’ve known him for years. Never trusted him and beat myself up for making a mistake . I’ve been so hard on myself, he wanted to get me pregnant and of course he finished inside of me. I was furious, took an alternative plan B “Ella” and still got pregnant. Turns out I was already ovulating and the pill didn’t work. 5 pregnancy tests later I was at a loss with myself.
The clinic I went to, they were patient, friendly, and extremely understanding and supportive. Come to find out they found two sacs (that could have been twins, but you know our bodies do weird things and amaze us). I kept the sonogram. To tell myself I’m not doing this again. I opted into doing the surgical suction. They gave me Valium and laughing gas.
There was a lot of pressure, the anxiety is what made me most nervous. I had to hold the nurse’s hand and breathe. As it was taking place I wanted to scream STOP! I was just uncomfortable but it went by so fast, just as I wanted to scream on the top of my lungs and put my legs down it was over … it was literally like holding a plank for 3-4 minutes and just as you are about to drop you are done.
I went home and went to sleep for about 8 hours, woke up with diarrhea, but my stomach no longer feels bloated. I’m just numb emotionally, physically, and mentally.
I’ll be seeking a therapist. I no longer communicate with the guy, because from this experience… sadly I realized my worth. And how everyone is not for me and I’m tired of going through shit situations with men that don’t give a damn about me.
A little in depth info but I know I’m not the only one. We all have our different experiences and I’m moving on with taking time for myself and loving on me. You need you and your higher power at the end of the day.
I am stronger, wiser and more aware now from this experience.
You are amazing and resilient. Rise above bullshit people and live on yourself.
