Time for the Truth

by Kay

March 14, 2022

Content Warning: mention of suicidal thoughts

I have told my story before, but I hid the truth. I am tired of protecting someone who does not deserve the compassion they neglected to extend to me. In 2018, my birth control was making me consistently sick all of a sudden. I decided to forego birth control until I got the issues resolved. My boyfriend at the time was aware of this, but within a month of stopping birth control after being on it for a decade, I became pregnant in January 2019. I had just graduated college the month prior and was struggling to find a career job and not living in ideal conditions. Those were small factors compared to the mistreatment I received from someone that was supposed to make me feel safe. However, I hid the ugly truth behind my reasoning when telling my story.

The truth was, my boyfriend manipulated me, threatened me, and coerced me into having the abortion. “My body, my choice” wasn’t truly my choice. I felt I was left with no other option. He said that if I went through with the pregnancy, that my child would be fatherless and that I would have zero support from him. He screamed at me in a Walmart parking lot. He begged me to not make him be a “bad person.” I told him abandoning us would make him a bad person, not me for choosing to love it. His response was “How about choosing to love me? You would rather have a kid than keep me?” He told me I would be ruining his life and that he would always resent me if I went through with it. He manipulated me by saying that if I got rid of the pregnancy that he would stay and love me and that maybe we can try again in the future.

I was so miserable during this time, that I wanted to just end my life to knock out both problems in one… It was very low point for me. I feared that if I carried through with the pregnancy, that my child would be fatherless and question their worth just as I was. I didn’t want them to suffer in a rocky situation. I knew that if I carried through with it, that I would love the child and wouldn’t want to give them up, but at the same time I didn’t want them to face this abuse. It took me weeks to make my decision because I believe that a small part of me wanted him to change his mind and be supportive… He never did. I went the medical abortion route. While I was still bleeding from the abortion, he got me a “baby’s first teddy bear” (WTF?) then broke up with me, after he had said he would stay and support me through it. I treated the situation like a miscarriage and displayed grief. I personified it and referred to it as my little raspberry at the time. As time went on I acted like I didn’t care, but looking back I did and was simply in denial. We got back together not long after, and I don’t know why I allowed our relationship to continue on for so long. I guess I was just at such a vulnerable, broken place in my life and felt I had sacrificed so much for him already and didn’t want it to be for nothing.

I endured a lot of cheating, gaslighting, betrayal, lies, and nights crying on the floor in the 3 years that I stayed with him. He always refused to discuss the abortion or any of his wrongdoings. Since I stayed, I always hid his role in my abortion story and blamed it on other factors. I didn’t want people to know how he treated me, and I think it was because I was ashamed. I was deeply attached to him, but I now realize that that’s not what love is. Once the detachment hit, I realized the toxicity I had escaped. I came to terms with just how screwed up our entire relationship was and no longer desired to protect him. He doesn’t deserve it. This is my truth – the full, raw, real, messy truth that I’ve hidden for so long. I’m setting it free so that I can move on and live the life I deserve. Today, I have a masters degree and am excelling in my career. I’m in a super healthy, loving, gentle, validating, and communicative relationship. Even my new boyfriend will discuss the gritty details of my past with me and offer genuine care and support. I encourage all of you to never settle for less – no matter how much you’ve sacrificed. You deserve the world.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!