I want to share my story because maybe there is someone out there who is facing a similar situation, and maybe they need to see that they are not alone.
My husband and I recently decided that we want to start trying for our first child. It’s exciting, but much of me is facing a lot of anxiety about it due to the three abortions that I have had in the past. Deep down, I know that abortion is a common medical procedure and does not hurt your chances of becoming pregnant again if you decide to. However when you’re someone with anxiety, your thoughts can make you believe different things such as, what if that third one was my last chance? What if something went wrong that I don’t know about? It’s very hard to control where your thoughts go sometimes.
My first abortion was in college. I wasn’t in a very healthy relationship; in fact, the one thing I remember from that experience was crying a few days later and my boyfriend telling me, “There are people who are going through worse things than you right now.” I was very depressed for awhile afterwards, and I think a lot of it was due to not having the support of my boyfriend at the time. When I look back now, I know that abortion was the best choice at that time, no matter how much it hurt then.
My second abortion was three years later. I was out of college and working, and had only been dating the guy I was with for a few months. He was 9 years older than me, and when I told him I was pregnant, he said having a baby was just something he wasn’t ready for. On top of that, I was on a medication called Depakote for my seizure disorder, and it is known to cause birth defects. I wasn’t comfortable carrying on with the pregnancy mainly because of that.
It hasn’t been a year yet since my third abortion. I had it in August of 2019, almost a month before my wedding. I was so careful taking my birth control, at least I thought. At first when the test came back positive, my now husband and I were a little excited. But then reality sunk in. We were still renting our town home with a roommate, and had planned to start looking for houses to buy after the wedding. Not to mention even though our wedding wasn’t outrageously expensive, we still put a lot of money into it. I was also still taking anxiety medication and Adderall for ADD that are not safe for pregnancy, and had been drinking a lot before hand at my bachelorette party. I didn’t feel healthy, and we also didn’t feel in a good place financially. However, my husband told me it was my choice of what I wanted to do and that he would support me either way, even if it meant we would struggle if I decided to keep it. This made the whole situation so much easier on me at the time. Most of me didn’t want to be pregnant at that time. As selfish as it sounds, I wanted to enjoy my wedding without being pregnant. I didn’t want us to struggle financially after.
I decided to not be put out for my procedure that time. Sadly I think it was because I was punishing myself for having a third abortion. My seizure disorder is caused by stress or lack of sleep. As much as I tried to breathe during the procedure, it hurt so bad to me that I ended up having a two minute seizure and came to with what felt like all of Planned Parenthood standing around me. I was so thankful then, and I am still so thankful now for the doctor and the nurses and other staff who made me feel so safe at a time when I needed it most.
I found myself a few months later, and still now from time to time feeling sad about that third pregnancy that I chose to end. I let myself cry as hard as I want to. Any one who has had an abortion is allowed to feel whatever they want to feel whether it is happy, relieved, sad, or angry. Everyone’s experience is different, and no one should feel ashamed or guilty for whatever feelings they may have afterwards.
It’s very different when you’re trying to get pregnant vs. trying to avoid it. Almost a month ago I had a false positive pregnancy test, and it made me feel very angry. Why couldn’t it have been a false positive the three times I NEEDED it to be. I am trying very hard to not look back on my past abortions with anger right now. I am thankful that I had the freedom to make those choices and had safe and easy access to an abortion. I am trying to see them as experiences that are part of my journey of becoming a mother when I want to be.
So for anyone who has had an abortion in the past but knows that SOMEDAY they want to be a parent, or maybe you’re currently trying to get pregnant, you’re not alone. You WILL STILL have your chance at having a baby when the time is right and when you WANT to.
