This last one was painful.

by Taylor

April 23, 2021

I was 16 when I had my first one. Although we both felt so excited and so in love, we knew we were too young. I didn’t feel too guilty about this one, it was a no brainer.

I had my second at 18. Same boyfriend, but very different stage in our relationship. It was super toxic, We were on and off again. He was very cold about it this time around. This felt more like a relief than anything else.

I had my beautiful daughter at 20 years old with said boyfriend. He was terrible to me when he found out and even worse throughout my pregnancy. But deep down inside, I knew I wanted her with all my heart regardless of what he said or tried to pressure me to do. We didn’t last much longer after she was born.

Fast forward to 28, a new relationship with another toxic man. Very obsessive, passionate man who literally had me going crazy. I had cheated on him a few months before I got pregnant (with his baby of course), so out of fear that he would deny the baby and of course knowing very well I did not want him to father any of my children, I got the abortion behind his back. I was just 7 weeks when I found out. This one also felt relieving.

Here I am at 32. Dealing with the same toxic man; after a break up, another relationship (him) and a BABY (him). Clearly stupid and blindly in love or idk what… I got pregnant again. This time, I decided to tell him. He was separated from the girl he had the baby with, and we were trying to “work things” out. This time I was very early in the pregnancy, 5 weeks. He acted like he wanted the baby, he begged me not to get the abortion, that this baby was all he ever wanted with me. But I knew deep down something was off, it never felt genuine or sincere and he would never speak about the future or any long term goals. So all in all, It felt more like a trap than anything else. Thing is… I wanted this baby too and I felt it deep down inside. So when the day came that I found out he was sleeping around with someone else, while I was at home sick to my stomach …I realized… I prefer the temporary misery of having the abortion over a lifetime of misery with this person. The choice was clear, this is not the time. It still stung.

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