The vasectomy failed.

by Anonymous

October 9, 2019

Content Warning: mention of suicide attempts

Almost 13 years ago I met my husband… we were teenagers. And I knew from the moment we met I’d marry him. But we didnt want kids… ever. So I was on birth control. And I only found 1 that worked for me and only barely… most of them gave me side effects. Fast forward 8 years we get married.. in our late 20s. We have dogs to fill the baby void. The same year my best friend has her baby… and my world flipped inside out. I now wanted a baby. My husband goes through depression. Bad depression. A year later he tries to kill himself. No real reason other than his levels are messed up. We get him into therapy, and on meds.

Months later we are now deep in fighting about a baby. It was never the plan. By this time I had been off birth control 3 years and we used the withdraw method. Always worked. It got to the pointIi was considering divorce when he gave in. Our first try we got pregnant. 2 years into marriage. A month later he tried to commit suicide again. This time requiring a hospital stay, lots of therapy… and I worried I would miscarry but I didn’t. I went through 9 months of trying to keep not only him but myself alive… I was having severe muscle cramps by 6 months, I had low iron and was on meds for it and severe pain. To the point when I laid down my hips and legs went numb within 30 mins and felt like someone was driving a knife into me when I moved. I told my doctors but none seemed to be phased. Saying all was normal. My son was born after induction at almost 10 lbs. Severely over what they had measured. I only gained 25 the entire time. No wonder I was in pain. The nurse told me next time would be a c section. I told her there wouldn’t be another time.

Later on my husband had his vasectomy. All was back on track. My husband was doing great. He got a promotion and we moved into a beautiful brand new home but over an hour away from family… a year later I went to my ob for a small bump on my breast. He told me It was normal but mostly seen in pregnant or bf women. … impossible. 1/1,000 of a chance that I was pregnant and we still used withdraw on top of that…. I was pregnant. 4 tests confirmed it. My world started spinning and crashing down on me. I never wanted to make a decision like this. I was prolife. I was now starting to feel symptoms much earlier than I did with my son. Already in more pain. We didn’t want more kids, we have no help where we are now, and the little help we get is very little. Our families are small. Even though they said they’d help I knew all too well they said that with my son too.

I have low energy as is… my son and pets would get less and less attention my husband would be on the back burner for good. I am already barely keeping my head above water in general. Not to mention half the year he works 80 hour weeks. … and I can’t imagine the pain of going through it again… it was the worst decision. I needed an abortion. I didn’t want it. I needed it. I was 5 weeks. I couldn’t look at the ultrasound. Everyone was nice but the place terrified me. I was able to take the pill because it’s legal here. So I did. I am on day 4. Still heavily bleeding. Still crying. My husband has cried with me daily. He supported either decision. His parents did not. So they think I miscarried which is painful. But I don’t deserve to feel ashamed by ppl who aren’t here to help me etc.

I feel so alone, most nights I regret it. Other nights I remind myself I had to choose myself and my family. Because without me the ship sinks… and I couldn’t go through it again. Angry that I tried my best for 13 years to prevent unwanted pregnancies and had to go through having an abortion anyways made me see the light though. I couldn’t understand why a mother could pick one child over the other until now. I couldn’t understand if you were healthy why you’d choose abortion until now. I didn’t understand a lot. It really put it into perspective. Not only are the people on this blog grieving. They’re helping people like me figure out my feelings, they’re helping me move on. They are not shouting out of proudness, but in support of other people who need support and aren’t getting it. Anytime I feel low I get on here and I read. And I feel so much better knowing I’m not alone. Let’s all love each other more, try to understand we are not in another person’s shoes so we can’t judge. Be open and understanding so your family and friends will have an outlet. I pray I make it through this and can one day say I chose right for my family. I pray for another struggling with the decision and that maybe this reaches you and helps.

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