The universe was trying to tell me something

I never thought I’d be typing this.. but it’s been 6 months since my abortion and I feel like telling this story is an essential part of my healing. I recently read the book “May Cause Love: An Unexpected Journey of Enlightenment After Abortion.” It inspired me to write this.

I grew up in a very catholic extended family, and I was raised catholic myself, so I was constantly around the very people who are part of the conservative system that unintentionally influences women to have abortions. The system is wrong, and they shame and look down upon women for having sex out of wedlock, and then wonder why women often try to avoid that shame by terminating their pregnancies. The thought of pregnancy was enough to scare me out of having sex throughout high school… so I didn’t. I was THAT girl… every guy called me prude. Ironically enough, I wrote a paper on abortion in high school and how I just couldn’t understand why people didn’t abstain, use contraceptives, or give their baby up for adoption…. oh if only it were that simple. I guess life has a funny way of teaching you empathy through experience…

I lost my virginity at 18 when I was done with high school after 6 months of waiting and thinking I was “in love” with someone. I felt like I waited for someone special. We used condoms every time. Fast forward a year when I fell “in love” with someone else. They convinced me the pull out method was safe and reliable, and somehow it was for two years. When I decided to end that relationship, the next three years after that I was on birth control for acne, but I abstained from sex the entire time. I realized during that time that birth control might have treated the acne problem, but it made me gain weight, endlessly hungry, and extremely moody.

Fast forward to when I’m 23 and just reunited with someone from my past who was a platonic friend. This time I fell in love fast and I truly loved this person unconditionally. For two and a half years, our only form of birth control was the withdrawal method. I didn’t want to take hormonal birth control, and the withdrawal method worked for me in the past, so why wouldn’t it work now? (naive and uneducated) Fast forward again to April 2020. I refused to leave my house during quarantine..the virus had me paranoid to the point I didn’t even want to see my boyfriend. The first time I left my house during quarantine I told him in casual conversation how I was close to starting my period because I could feel cramps (anywhere from 3-7 days away from my period). We had sex…once the whole month… and while it was happening he asked me if he could refuse to withdrawal because he thought I was close to my period.. I panicked and said no because I knew it wasn’t close enough…but he did it anyways. It turns out that although rare, not only can you get pregnant right before your period, you can get pregnant on it too.  Ovulation usually occurs 14 days before the start of my period, and my periods were extremely consistent every single month so for some reason I didn’t ask him to get me Plan B, and he didn’t suggest it either…. even though we have used it once in the past. Looking back I don’t understand why he wouldn’t listen to me, and why the suggestion of Plan B wasn’t brought up. That was when conception occurred, because it was the only time since my last period that we had sex…. I am cringing writing this at the utter carelessness.

I missed my period and had tender breasts and horrible nausea. Everything made me throw up. The mess of a room, the smell of a car, it was awful. Even despite these things I was in denial. I didn’t take a test for a long time, I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to have to make a decision I never thought I would have to make, because I didn’t think I’d ever be the same after. I avoided it at all costs… and lived in a fantasy delusion where everything was fine. I tried to stay in the fantasy for as long as I could and I kept convincing myself that my period was irregular from the stress of quarantine and that I just had some random virus. Week after week went by but there was a moment when I absolutely knew I was pregnant. I felt the exact same way I felt on birth control. I had zero sex drive, and a total disregard or care for my boyfriend. When I was on the pill, I wasn’t attracted to anyone. I remember in the past my dermatologist telling me that birth control emulates pregnancy… so I just knew in my heart. I finally decided to take a test to confirm what I already knew, and I’ll never forget how I felt when I saw the positive line.

I was faced with an unwanted pregnancy and I knew that none of the options were going to be easy. If I continued the pregnancy, I’d have to endure the shame of my parents, family, and people around me for having a baby out of wedlock and making a simple mistake. The relationship I was in was extremely toxic no matter how much I loved that person, and having the baby would have likely bonded me to this person for life. I probably would have felt depressed and anxious having to guide a soul through this oftentimes scary world, without having much to offer it right now. Pregnancy and motherhood is a sacrifice as it is, but not having a financial cushion made that option even less plausible, especially during a pandemic where anything and everything is uncertain. I honor mothers, the strength and responsibility that motherhood is, and even though I knew deep down I probably could have found a way to pull it off despite all odds, I just didn’t want to do it during this phase of my life. It wasn’t planned and the variables just weren’t ideal in my eyes.

The other option was to endure shame and judgment from getting pregnant and to give a baby up for adoption. I just had a feeling if I continued the pregnancy and carried it to term, I’d bond with it, and my emotional impulses would make me want to keep it, even when I know that logically, that wasn’t ideal. I know that having to give a physical baby away would have been traumatizing for me, and I’d always wonder where it was, or if it was in the extremely flawed foster system. I just don’t know what kind of life that would have been.

My last option was abortion. Of course I was terrified that this would only be a temporary solution, and that I’d live with lifelong guilt forever. I never wanted to have to make this decision, but it felt like it was the easiest choice to make out of all my options. I had to remind myself that abortion is safe and legal. Before I scheduled the abortion, I had a dream. I had many vivid and distorted dreams throughout my pregnancy, but this one felt like a sign. In my dream, someone handed a baby to me, and I remember loving it, holding it, and admiring it. I looked at the baby smiling at me and I said “i’m sorry but I just can’t keep you right now, it’s not the right time.” I handed the baby to someone else. They were faceless, but the baby was taken from my arms. I remember the emotion in the dream and I felt so at peace with them taking it away. The morning of, I was somehow at ease with the decision mentally, even though I was shaking the whole car ride there. I was more afraid of the procedure at that moment than anything. Although the pill made me throw up and feel the most intense cramps I’ve ever experienced, I knew that it would be easier than giving birth. The surgical procedure was painless and fast. I felt a sense of relief.

A few days after, I questioned my decision, got panicky, managed to calm myself down and try to cope with the decision as best as possible, but I realized that the hardest part of this entire experience was not the abortion itself, it’s the guilt I sometimes feel knowing that I could have potentially prevented conception from that night alone. I know that even with perfect use, birth control, condoms, and the withdrawal method fail all the time. I just hate that I put my reproductive health in someone else’s hands when I’m smarter than that. Even if I did everything to try and prevent it, statistics say it still could have happened regardless. Some days I feel it heavily, somedays I am on top of the world….some days I think of what the baby would have looked like and cry…sometimes I picture myself alone during the process and feel empowered for making the best choice for myself, alone. I tell myself if I need to cry then cry..I feel the emotion and I always feel better afterwards. Even though some days I feel weak.. I know that overall I am stronger than I was before this happened. If I can get through that, I know I can get through anything. I try to remember that every choice is essentially a loss. You’re always giving something up in order to get something else.

One of the ways I have coped with this is by forgiving my ex partner and forgiving myself. My partner made a mistake and I made the mistake of not trying to correct that mistake because I wasn’t “technically” ovulating by the book. I know that the reality of a single night cannot be equated with the full truth of a person’s innermost being. One mistake should not force you into taking on the role of motherhood. Every single person has done something they are not proud of. I should have gotten Plan B, I should have made him wear condoms, I should have done my research on other non hormonal birth controls like the copper IUD (although these all come with risks). I should have done a million things, but at the end of the day I didn’t. No amount of guilt, no amount of anger, can change what is done.

Another way I have coped is by trying to see past the stigma. No matter what you do, someone, somewhere is going to disagree with your choices. The topic of abortion is no different. For as many people that are in support, of course others won’t agree. Many times it’s for religious reasons….but if the soul is immortal like the bible says, then what is the harm in it? If “God forgives” then he won’t hold it against you. To this day, even due to the stigma, no one but my partner knows, but sometimes I just want to scream it, I want to tell everyone, but I don’t. If it ever gets too much I know there are counselors, free hotlines, and services that would help.

The only thing left for me to do is to learn the lessons from this experience. I learned that perhaps this situation was divine intervention. I learned that where I was in life when the pregnancy occurred, is not where I want to be, which has inspired me to focus on what I truly want, and to take the logical steps to get there. I learned that I do not want the person I conceived with to be the father of my children, no matter how much I may love him. I learned that a small choice can make the biggest difference, for better and for worse. I learned that I actually want to be a mother.. something I didn’t realize before this. I also learned that abortion isn’t black and white. Abortion isn’t something to shame others for, it gives people the chance to manifest their own destinies, to take control of their own bodies and life. Was there anything else that could have taught me all of this at once? Perhaps not. Clearly, the universe was trying to tell me something.

I want to conclude my story by saying that I am a very spiritual person, so I asked the soul to give me a sign that it was okay and if it would come back to me when I was truly ready. A red cardinal appeared on my deck. I thought it was a fluke, so I asked it again.. the next day the very same thing happened. The day after that I asked again… I thought I needed something from the store.. so I was driving behind this car and before I turned around to go back home because I couldn’t remember what I wanted, the license plate in front of me had a red cardinal on it.  Some people communicate through psychics, where they recall details about their abortion and life that simply no one else would ever know. I believe, as well as many spiritual teachers, that if you aren’t ready for the soul, they will find another body or wait upon your request to come back. I believe in my heart that the spiritual world is real, and I no longer wish to be afraid of abortion or this experience. It’s okay to feel grief, it’s okay to feel anxious and lost, but just know there is always someone that can help you or relate to you. 1 in 4 women go through this. We may not know each other, but we are all united by this very thing.  If you ask the universe for help, and picture yourself at your happiest, I know you can get there. Healing takes time. I hope that anyone who reads this is in peace, or will soon find it.