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The tomorrow of yesterday

by ArtsyTor

April 11, 2019

Content Warning: harassing clinic protesters

I am 26 and happy. I was 24 when I first became aware that I was pregnant. I was barely 2 weeks in. I knew something was wrong. My breasts were sore to the touch. I had been having dreams where I could see a belly and had others congratulating me on my pregnancy. I woke up to realize they were nightmares.  My life was and had been a mess for quite some time but, I was turning it around. I was nearly finished with an A.A, had a great group of friends and was happy with my narrowing path of opportunity.

I’ve always been a casual dater, never had any relationship that lasted over a year. I’ve become okay with that. The father was a man I was with for a few months. After becoming intoxicated on an occasion with him and a few of his friends, we slept and I wet the bed. Ashamed and anxiety ridden, I jumped up and ran. This inevitably ended our relationship. I didn’t care about him, I was ashamed I had embarrassed myself. Between 1 and 2 weeks later, I took a test, or three or five, I stopped counting, they were all positive. I panicked. He, obviously wouldn’t answer my calls but, I wasn’t going to allow that to be an option. Once I finally gained contact, it was an immediate “You’re getting an abortion.” I knew that would be the answer, I knew that’s what was right. It didn’t lessen the blow. It made it all real. The dreams, the tests, I was pregnant.

I wasn’t on contraceptive. I had had so many issues with cysts, infections and birth controls, that I had convinced myself that I was dysfunctional and couldn’t get pregnant. Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t feel stupid if you do. We’re all human. I now take the pill religiously. I have severe anxiety if I forget.

I begged him to come to the clinic with me, he refused. His sister slandered me over the phone, referring to me as a whore and a life ruiner. Claiming that my purpose was to make sure he wasn’t happy or successful. This wasn’t, at all, the truth. I had only met the sister once so I knew there had to be some very negative information about my character floating in and out of their minds and mouth, regardless of who was currently in pain. We left the relationship in a very strange way so, I embraced the guilt. He offered to pay for the abortion, I accepted.

The appointment day came and I asked one of my best friends to go with me. She was very supportive and said sure. We walked into the clinic past protesters screaming in our faces, “Murderers!” I went and got my ultrasound, saw the doctor who gave me the pill and went on my way. The total time was right around 2 hours. I cried endlessly. But, I knew it would be a turned page before long. A regular period later, it was over….slightly.

I don’t hate him for getting me pregnant, I don’t hate myself either. I wish he would’ve at least respected me enough to go to the appointment with me, since it was both of us in the mess but, I cant play the blame game and that’s still something I’m working on for myself. It was my problem, no one made me do anything.

I have regret, here and there. It’s been a few years and as my friends have and raise their children, I just wonder what they would’ve been like, boy or girl, who knows. I can’t sit here and say that it was my best life decision, because I don’t know that. But, I am happy with my place in this life. I’m nearly finished with my Bachelor’s degree and I know in my heart, one day, I will be a successful mother to a loved child.

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