The summer of 2019

It was the summer of 2019 I was 23. I wanted to meet new people, make new friends, and possibly start dating.  I had met a man in his 30s we will call him Q. Q seemed to have his life together. He had a job, he had a nice house, he was a good dad, and so on. It’s hard to find a man even an older man with their life together. He lived 3 hours away so when he wanted to spend time together he would just stay at a hotel for a few days. I enjoyed spending time with him. There seemed to be something off about him so I didn’t want a relationship. But with the encouragement of others, I decided to give a relationship a try. I didn’t take long for the evil inside him to take over.  There were red flags right away but I thought I was overthinking or overreacting so I ignored the red flags. Q was manipulative and condescending. With one sentence he could make me feel on top of the world, and smaller than a grain of sand. He would say things like “You’re lucky you are so god damn beautiful because you’re really stupid.” It didn’t take long for physical and sexual abuse to start. It didn’t matter where we were if he wanted sex I had no choice about it. And for a minute due to past trauma, I thought I owed him sex but it didn’t take long for me to realize that it wasn’t “normal” sex. He would throw me down on to the bed or the floor, he bit me till I bled, choked me until I passed out. I had bruises that were handprints. Q would rip handfuls of hair out of my head he would torture me. I won’t disclose what else he did because it was graphic. Some say it was just BDSM, what he was doing was not that and even if it was I didn’t want to be treated that way. I’d tell him to stop and he would tell me to shut up or just hit me in the face. If I whimpered in pain he chuckled. The pain he caused, the scars and bruises that were left, and the tears streaming down my face fed his ego, it fed the evil and would encourage him to do more harm. I never felt more worthless and more disgusted with myself. He made me suicidal. I didn’t get rid of him right away because I was afraid of what would happen if I said “never come back.” I’ve been through so much in my life and this was the first time I was truly afraid of someone. Eventually, I mustered up the courage to block his number and block him on social media. I had severe anxiety, I truly believed he was going to show up at my house and kill me.  A few weeks had passed. One night I had a dream that I was pregnant. I didn’t think it was possible because I was on birth control and Q would use a condom every time he raped me. But I took a pregnancy test. I took 5 pregnancy tests they were all positive. The fear inside me pushed me to the floor, my legs gave out, I was crying like I never have. I had a young son at the time and a younger son that had passed away. I was pregnant by my abuser and all I thought was “ how do I keep my son safe.” I thought about keeping the baby, I thought about adoption, and I thought about abortion. Abortion was not an option I did not believe in it, and after losing a child I thought it would be wrong of me. My son always wanted another sibling so forcing him to watch my pregnant belly grow with life and give away the baby wasn’t an option either. So I found someone that would sign the birth certificate, and if I did it that way Q would have no rights, he would not be around us. But at some point, I had to be honest with myself and realize that it wasn’t right to make someone take on responsibility, and Q could have easily got a lawyer and got rights. I was doing all I could to avoid abortion. I messaged Q hoping somehow he would all of a sudden change. Even though I knew it was only wishful thinking. Q came over I told him I was pregnant. And he said he loved me, and wanted to marry me I silently laughed. I told him everything. The pain he caused the trauma, the fear. I made myself vulnerable to him. Of course, I was seeking attention, I was being dramatic and everything I said was a joke or a  lie. We talked and then he was ready to leave. But before he left he looked at me and asked me if he could cum on my face. And that was the moment I knew what I had to do. I had to have an abortion, something I never thought I would do, it was something I didn’t believe in. But I knew it was the right choice. It would keep me and my son safe. Q was evil and sadistic and he was going to kill me one day or at the least make my life extremely painful and miserable I wasn’t afraid of dying but I was very afraid of Q.  I soon found myself in a cardboard dress on an examining table staring at an ultrasound screen, I was sobbing uncontrollably. I kept telling myself that I had to do it. I had a medical abortion at 8 weeks on 9/11/2019. There was some guilt and regret I had good days and bad. It’s been one year and I can say it was the best choice I had made. When I think about what it would have been like if I didn’t get an abortion all I see is my beaten, raped, and tortured dead body. I understand abortion now, I understand why abortion is an option. For me abortion kept me alive, it kept me safe. You never truly understand something until you go through it.