The Pain in my Certainty

by Harmony T

September 3, 2019

As I get ready to celebrate the 3yrs of life of my daughter, I am terminating the beginning of a life growing within me. How ironic is that?! Within 4 days of each other. I can’t help but admit that while I will be relieved of the responsibility that comes with carrying and parenting a second child….my heart aches over this challenging decision. No matter how much I’ve tried not to connect with you lil one, you are still connected to me, growing every day within me. I feel you there with every twinge, ache, and discomfort. I am reminded of you. I have no idea who or what you could possibly become if I were to allow you to come forth and bless our lives. I only know that at this moment, at this time it is not feasible for myself, and mostly myself for you to continue the journey to be birthed unto earth. You deserve to be loved in the ways that every child deserves to be loved. And though I love you, I can not give you the parts of myself that I’ve given to my first born. You deserve to be wanted the way every child deserves to be wanted…and as much as it saddens me to say I must speak the truth, I do not want you. Not here, not now, not at this moment in time.

The most loving thing I can do now is to free you, relinquish you from my womb…allow your energy to move from me and continue on in some other form and way. I will not forget you, and I will continue to love you. I hope that you forgive me because I do not wish to harm you…I want to thank you for all you’ve taught me and reminded me of in these 8 weeks. You’ve reminded me of how unexpected and surprising life can be. You’ve shown me how fertile my body is and my body is strong and ready and capable of sustaining life at any moment, you’ve allowed me to know exactly what I’m sure of without a doubt in my mind, you’ve shown me that I have power over my body and that was something that was given back to me because the trauma I experienced took that power away. You allow me to know that I can make extremely difficult choices. You’ve reminding me that from the very moment I conceive, we are connected whether or not I want to be. I’m reminded that I must forgive myself for this choice, not because I’ve done anything wrong but because if I don’t I will carry the burden of guilt or regret. You remind that I must be be sexually responsible if I don’t want to have to make more hard choices like this.

This is my last night with you lil one, and though I am the one stopping your growth, the loss of you is still very significant. But I read something yesterday that mentioned that however many times a woman is pregnant, some of those cells of that baby remains in her body. And that brings me some sense of peace. Knowing that I still carry you with me in some way. So thank you for the time I’ve had with you and forgive me please for letting you go. I love you still… and always…your mother.

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