The one, that made sure I knew.

by Malayika

April 19, 2021

I never thought I would feel the need to grieve, to say goodbye. I do. I never thought I’d have serious doubts, but I do. I always thought this would be easier, it isn’t.

I too know this is the right decision – for me, for us – but right decisions can be hard too. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, but I do.

But I know I will be happy, soon, too.

It’s weird, I never thought I wanted to have biological children, not really, I had a fantasy but I never considered it to be a need. It ‘came up’ with my current partner, through him, within me and with the work I put into myself. And just with everything else going on, not just the pandemic just… life, it’s not the right choice, for me, to go through with it. But I’m sad. I’m sad that I’m not in a better place in my life, I’m sad that I’m sad. Isn’t that weird? It’s like a teary useless circle of feelings and hormones. I’m mad, that medicine is still on medieval standards. Wtf is up with that?! I’ve always been mad about it, but the pain? Why. We have a rover on Mars…for what? F*ck collecting space rocks, help us. With this, with hunger, with people dying and too many being born and us destroying this planet.

After the abortion:

I think it’s important, for some of us, maybe most of us, for me definitely, to grieve. To feel real grief, to allow real grief. Like you lost someone real, because this baby was real to me. I’m happy with my choice, my life is good. But it’s also because I allowed myself to feel the grief, the loss. I named the little speck of life within me, I envisioned it to become a human, me more pregnant, us a family. And I grieved what I loved about it. But I’m happy with the life we chose and I now know, that I definitely want to experience this, I want to have a family, I want to be pregnant, I want to bear a child. Someday. And then I will maybe even tell them about the sister (I decided she would have been a girl, it’s what I felt, but it was only a few weeks old so I wouldn’t know) they never had, who made sure that I knew, I wanted to be a mother someday.

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