I’m glad I don’t have children. But I’m still working through the trauma of abortion and what it made me believe about myself because of toxic internalized voices. Those voices that aren’t mine came from our backwards society, and childhood of punishment alternating with neglect.
I was too mentally, physically, financially unwell to have a child. Much less that I had two abortions several years apart, which made me feel like a weak, irresponsible monster. But I blamed myself for all of this, that I did something inherently horrible. Which wasn’t true. I’m unlearning that now. I’m also learning it’s not okay that I was not given the option to be out for the procedure. Why can they knock me out to get a wisdom tooth pulled but not for this? It was the worst pain I’ve ever had, and emotional torment, those procedures. Horrible. My sister is pregnant now. I’m so so happy for her, and excited to be an aunt. But it’s bringing up all of these feelings and grief. I am working to heal, to forgive myself, my parents, my world. It’s hard.
