The grief I’ve been afraid to talk about

The feeling of finding out I was pregnant was a mix of emotions. I was scared, lost but also happy because I didn’t ever think I could get pregnant. Although I was happy, myself and my boyfriend decided that it was best to get an abortion. It’s something I’ll never regret because we wouldn’t have been able to give a child the life we wanted to right now. We went to an ultrasound the day before my abortion at a private clinic, the paperwork we handed the reception desk stated that it was an ultrasound that needed to be rushed due to need to terminate. Our ultrasound tech wasn’t informed so when the time came she showed us the baby on the screen, told us I was 6 weeks along, the baby was healthy, the size of a rice grain and it had a heartbeat. We were told congratulations and called “mother and father” by the tech, to no fault of her own because she didn’t know. Seeing the ultrasound was the worst thing that could have happened because the second I saw the baby I loved it, I think I knew I loved it before then but the ultrasound just confirmed it for me. It was something me and my boyfriend made, who is the most supportive, caring and loving person in the world. I loved it because me and him made it together and it was a part of us but I still knew abortion was the right thing to do for us. It’s been under a week since I had my surgical abortion and I feel like I lost something, like I’m grieving the baby that was growing inside me for 6 weeks. Even though it was my choice to terminate, I am still sad for what we lost. We’ll have our time again, when it’s right for us.