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The Christian girl.

by Me, her, you

June 4, 2019

Content Warning: physical abuse, attempted suicide

When I was 18 I started assisting my pastor in leading our youth at my church. I was headed on a great path my relationship with God was becoming so strong. A few months after my high school graduation I started this new thing called “dating.” I never really knew how to date or how it worked. While in the process, I thought I found a good one. It took about 4 months for me to believe I was truly in love with him. I got myself an apartment and I moved him in. I knew what I was doing was wrong.. I should’ve waited.

 

It took 5 months for him to physically abuse me. To hold me down and strangle me, until I couldn’t fight back anymore.

After, he begged me to take him back.

 

So I forgave him.

It happened again…

And then one day he pushed me, one day pulled my hair out, one day he punched me.

 

Why didn’t I leave? I was dumb? I was scared? Idk.

 

I never truly realized how scared until I found out I was pregnant… my sister offered to pay for my abortion. But I didn’t believe in it. When I decided I was going to have this baby people were mad. And I was terrified.

 

He still hurt me. Several times. I didn’t know what to do.

 

When my baby got here, I just didn’t care anymore what I had to do. I made it known my babies safety would always be first.

 

I was stressed… Not only that but I was taking care of a child all on my own. I didn’t have money. And I didn’t have help. I couldn’t work. And that man didn’t help any.

 

But of course with my continuous belief, of “maybe he’ll change.” So I slept with him. It seemed easier for me to sleep with them man that I’ve known.

 

I ended up pregnant again.

I was emotionless.

He was too busy running drugs to care.

 

I could only think about my kid’s future. I could not take care of two.

 

Never in my life would I think of an abortion. But I just knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t. At this time, the thought of having a child to put in the system was more terrifying. So I made the decision. I had the abortion.

 

And with that I felt terrible. Emotionally. I couldn’t believe I actually did that.

 

I was a 20 year old single mother. Without a car, with out a home. I had nothing.

I attempted suicide. And then realized that I had to try.

 

So I prayed. & I prayed. & I prayed.

 

What’s done is done.

4 years later…

I am doing this mom thing, still on my own.

But so much better than before.

 

I look into my child’s eyes each day and see how blessed I am. It is truly unconditional love.

 

We’re safe. We’re happy. We are making it better than every before.

I still go to church. I still pray. I still believe that only God can judge.

I haven’t spoke to that man who hurt me in years.

 

But,  I think about that decision everyday.

 

I believe that you never know what you need to do until you are faced with the obstacle.

 

My decision changed me. For the better. That doesn’t make me a murderer. It doesn’t mean that I would harm my child that is here with me.

 

The Christian people on social media saying it isn’t right. The people at the clinic speaking you to hell.. That is what’s not right…

 

Remember the part where you aren’t suppose to judge?

Oh.

 

I support my decision.

&

I support you.

 

I am pro choice.

 

It’s normal.

 

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!