So I’ve written… and re-written this countless times! I never know where to begin or how to tell my story… so here goes. Me… my story… my abortion.
I think about it everyday, in the bathroom where I read the test stick, the sofa where I was researching abortions… my bedroom floor where I was curled up in a ball for 5 hours, trying to stop the pain after taking those pills!
My partner and I hadn’t been together long, known each other for a while but it was the start of our relationship, in a small 1 bedroom house (with 2 beautiful dogs) both on a minimal wage. I’ve never wanted kids, in fact I have PCOS and had ruled it out! The day I saw that positive result I changed, I’m still a changed woman because the next few weeks (for me) where traumatic!
I spent 8 hours at work thinking over everything in my head, what will I do? Who do I speak too? What will people say? Can I tell my mum?
I set up a Dr appointment the day I found out, told my partner that evening and the choice was mine, all mine… I didn’t even give him a chance. I wasn’t ready, mentally, emotionally or financially. Just started my career that I worked so hard to get, so it was my choice and although I don’t regret my decision, I think about it religiously, everyday to be exact.
I went to the first appointment where they told me I was only 4 weeks and it was ‘too soon’, they told me there was a chance it could be an ectopic pregnancy and to look out for a list of signs – they then booked me another appointment for a 6 week scan! To some people that might not be a big deal, but when you’re ready, you’ve decided and you just want to get it over with, that 2 week wait… it’s hell!
At 6 weeks I was told to come back the following week to take the tablets that carry out the abortion, someone would ring with an appointment… I waited and waited and when I finally got through to the clinic, I had been missed off that weeks appointment list…
Whilst waiting for the appointment, whilst at work I had the sharpest pains in my stomach, I couldn’t walk, I felt sick and all I could think was ‘ectopic’! I was taken to A&E, they ran bloods and the works… then they did an ultrasound. No one asked me what my plans were, I just felt like an inconvenient patient that needed checking over and signing out! The second that scanner hit my belly, I heard it… that beat. That beat that I will never forget and the reason il probably never go a day without thinking about it. I heard the heartbeat. In that split second I froze… I didn’t know if I should say I was getting an abortion, I didn’t know if I should tell them to turn it off, I didn’t know I could! They just assumed. So not only did I have to wait weeks for another appointment, I was living with the fact that I heard the heartbeat and seen the screen.
Week 8… pushing all of the previous to the back of my mind, I took one tablet at the clinic and continued with the medical abortion in the comfort of my own home. It hurt, it hurt like I’d been stabbed in the stomach! Having PCOS and regular cysts with horrendously painful periods, I thought it wouldn’t be that bad! I was downing calpol like it was the last bottle of wine in Tescos… still didn’t help! After 5 long hours, I thought it was over.
Then you’re told to wear pads for a few weeks until the bleeding stops… it wasn’t stopping, it wasn’t getting lighter and it still hurt from time to time. At around 9.5 weeks, I made an appointment… only to be told that the foetus was dead but hadn’t left my body and a surgical abortion was needed.
Now I’m strong, I’ve lived through a lot in my short 25 years but I wasn’t strong enough to handle that! It’s broken me… and it’s taken me a long time to say that, whilst writing my story. It’s not a pretty story, there’s plenty of mess in the middle, but one thing I do know… I’m still okay with the decision I made to have an abortion. It wasn’t the right time (still isn’t), I’m still trying to figure out who I am…
So even after all that pain, hurt and mess in the middle. I’m still okay. And il be okay. It’s just taken a long time to wrap my head around the whole situation. And it’s taken me even longer to talk about.
It feels good to get it down, to tell my story.
