This is the story of the abortion I never thought I would have. My feeling on abortion have evolved since my indoctrinated upbringing, but I never thought that I would be the beneficiary of my own evolving viewpoint. I had an IUD. Had being the operative word. Apparently at some point in the last few years it went missing. That was shock number 2 after the initial shock of finding out I was pregnant. I am pregnant. And I am choosing to terminate this pregnancy. It was a clear choice, but it was not an easy choice for me. Pregnancy was not in my plans. That is why I had chosen a very effective means of birth control to prevent. This pregnancy was also not in the father’s plans. And the father rarely sees his other children, which provides good insights into the level of support I would receive.
I can hear the defensiveness in this story. Because I hear the voices in my head. The sanctimonious voices who would never end up in this position or who would ‘make a more honorable choice’ if it happened. FUCK THOSE VOICES. Get out of my head. Fuck any bullshit analogies to killing a living, breathing baby. I have grown a child inside my body. I know the difference in every cell in my body through my own lived experience. I have lovingly raised that child for nearly a decade. That child was my biggest dream come true, and there are times I wonder if I was crazy. Because being a good mother is hard fucking work. And I fight every day to be a good mother. I have the potential for life in my body, and I know that this is a place others dream about and would love to be in. It’s not my dream. I have other dreams. And I don’t care what anyone else thinks about my choice. Because believe it or not, I am very spiritual. God lives inside me and guides me every day. God and I have discussed this. And I know where God stands. Ever holding me in love and support to make the most of the precious gift of life.
