The 5 Stages of Grief

The five stages of grief is a widely known concept for explaining how a person reacts to the death of a loved one. After studying these different stages I realized I went through all of them in some way after my abortion. I was in the lucky position that until that point I have never lost someone very close to me so I didn’t know what true loss felt like. After my abortion I went through denial. I didn’t realize this really happened and when I had some clear moments I repressed the feelings coming along with it.  I think they would have hurt too much. After starting to realize what had happened I wasn’t sad. I started being angry. I was angry towards my mother for encouraging me to get an abortion. I was mad at my boyfriend for (unwillingly) giving me the feeling that he didn’t want this child and therefore also encouraging me in the direction of getting an abortion. I was mad at people who would have liked it if I had the child but didn’t pressure me enough. Doesn’t make sense, right? I was mad at everyone. After that I still didn’t face the reality of the situation. I started bargaining: „If only I would have done this. If only my mother this, my friend that. If only I would have waited a day or two, maybe my decision would have been a different one“… After realizing that all of this didn’t get me anywhere and finally getting a grip of reality a terrible depression started. A depression that made me suicidal and broke me like nothing else has before. I realized my baby was gone and would never come back. And it was my decision. No one else’s but mine. For weeks I cried my eyes out. All the sadness that I accumulated over months came over me. I let it all out. It was relieving but also so heartbreaking. Very very slowly I started accepting it and finding my way back into the world of the living people. A world that, I realized after, I haven’t lived in for a very long time. I’m still figuring everything out but it gets easier. Slowly but steadily. Step by step. I wanted to share this to normalize it that there are people who – to some extent – regret their abortion. At some points I hated myself and I often missed what could have been. But in the end it was so important for me to keep in mind that at that time I made that decision, for some reason, it was the right one for myself. I need to tell this to myself everyday. It’s my mantra for surviving. And everyday I can appreciate my decision and my past self a bit more. It takes a whole lot of time tho.