I never imagined I’d ever have an abortion. I’ve always been pro-choice but never even dreamed I could be in a place where I would consider having one.
My husband and I have a beautiful daughter. We decided to try for just one more; we only wanted two children. Our first attempt ended in a chemical pregnancy and on our second attempt we conceived. I got all the normal prenatal care, took my vitamins, exercised, ate well, and because of my age (32) even opted for some extra blood work just to confirm everything was okay. Except that’s not what the blood work told us.
Our baby had trisomy 21. We did all the follow up testing, including a CVS, and it was confirmed. How did this happen??? What did I do??? There weren’t easy answers to those questions – well maybe the ‘how did this happen?’ if you’re in to embryology – I just had to decide what the right course of action would be for me and for my family.
There were so many emotions for both my husband and for me. I went through the stages of grief multiple times, sometimes cycling through them more than once in a day. There was part of me that wanted to hold my baby (I knew I loved it), and part of me that said I couldn’t carry this pregnancy to term, that I was too devastated to carry for nine months.
When I was 22 I almost died, I didn’t but it was a close one. I was in the ICU for weeks. When I got out I was debilitated, I couldn’t live on my own right away, I depended on my family again. I also wasn’t neurologically the same as I was before everything happened and this was evident physically – I had a shaved head, I was deconditioned, and I had to wear a helmet everywhere. People stared. Eventually I got back to myself but the memories of that time in my life stuck with me.
I don’t want that for my child, and neither does my husband. I don’t want a lifetime of staring, of hospital visits, or a lifetime of dependency.
Regardless of what anyone else thinks, these were my feelings based on my life experiences. There was no convincing me otherwise. I knew what my decision would be and I had no feelings of doubt in it, but there was certainly still grief and there always will be.
There is good in the situation. I see it. The child I will never have taught me so much in such a short time. I understand the people protesting outside planned parenthood are just doing what they think is right. I don’t agree with them and they don’t agree with me but they’re certainly entitled to do what they think is right, peacefully of course. And most importantly of all: my never-born fetus will make me a better mother to my daughter and a better mother to any other child I might have, if I do have another.
Think of that impact, in my mind it’s immeasurably positive.
