In 2004, I was 21 and celebrating one month of marriage. For many people, this may be the ideal situation. For me, all I could think about was how can I just end this.
The story really begins in 2000 when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant at 16. By the time I figured out I was pregnant, I only had the option to carry to term. At 16, I made the decision to place my child for adoption. I wasn’t ready, I couldn’t do this.
Four years later and I find myself right back in that position. Unexpectedly pregnant, not ready, and not confident to parent.
Being a month into marriage, we should have still been in the honeymoon phase. We weren’t. We never should have been married. Our entire marriage he gaslit me, cheated on me, and constantly made me feel less. I did not want to have his child.
I made the decision to get an abortion. I hid this decision from everyone in my life for more than 10 years.
I have never been able to publicly share my abortion journey due to my career and conservative community. Everyone knows about my adoption story. I am continuously told how wonderful I am to have chosen life. Would they say the same thing if they knew ALL of my story? Would they continue to tell me this if I told them that I do not regret my abortion but my adoption has permanently traumatized me?
I think back to what my life looked like at 21. How different it is from where it is today. From time to time I will allow myself to just think about the what if’s. I don’t give myself much time to sit in that space. What I know though, my decision to abort my fetus was the best decision for me at that time. It allowed me to go on and do the things I’ve done, to help and support others in a way I never would have seen myself doing. But most importantly, it was my decision.
