So I’m putting this out there as like a few other stories I’ve read I needed to read something positive.

I was on holiday when I found out I was pregnant. I only took the test as I thought I was just being silly and wanted to get the 1% doubt out of my mind (I was 5 days late and not usually late) worst thing I did taking the test away. Stuck in a foreign country with so many overwhelming thoughts and I was only the 2nd day in and had another 5 to go.

When I read the results I actually couldn’t believe my eyes I nearly fainted right there and then. I instantly started crying and panicking. Luckily I was with my sister who has been in this situation before so she tried to talk to me about my options etc.

After the first 2 days of utter shock I rang around 3 different clinics. Some couldn’t get me in for weeks and every day felt like a lifetime so I couldn’t handle the wait. Luckily the third and final one I tried NUPAS could get me in for a consultation on the Tuesday (I returned from hol on the Monday) even though the clinic was 65 miles away I booked it. I would of travelled anywhere to get seen and sorted ASAP. As horrible at this sounds I knew instantly my decision so for me that wasn’t the hard part. The hard part was the waiting and the utter fear I feel.

I went to the clinic on Tuesday for my consultation. Beforehand I was so worried they wouldn’t be able to see anything as the first day of my last period was 6 weeks but I knew I’d only conceived in the last 4. I’d read how they’d do an internal scan etc and was so worried they’d not see anything and send me away to come back. You get given a number and they call you in and out several times. I saw 4 different nurses for different parts- scan, medical, choices, and booking.

The scan they try on the stomach first before internally and to my surprise they could see something so I knew I was going to be ok to booked in for the second part. The medical is just questions on your health, weighing you and a tiny bit of blood took from your finger. Depending on your term and preference they give you choices on what procedure you want. I’d personally read all of them and all had their own horror stories but I opted for surgical whilst asleep. I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing something (with the pill) and especially being awake. Also the waiting time for all has a part to play. Luckily the option I thought I wanted was the quickest too and they booked me in for Saturday in the same week. So 4 days after my consultation.

So today is Wednesday and I feel like time is standing still. I suffer quite badly with anxiety and this has just knocked me for 6, I haven’t ate properly since I’ve found out and can’t sleep, keep having panic attack’s and it’s all given me a poorly stomach. The few people I’ve told (especially my sister as she had the same treatment years before) are telling me I’ll be fine and it’ll be over soon. I know they’re right but I’m currently blinded by fear, stress and worry.

In-between actually writing this I had a feeling the clinic may have had a cancellation and to my surprise they had!! I’m in tomorrow morning now I feel even more sick but I know for my mental health this is the best thing to happen as I can limit the mental torture I’m putting myself through. I just want this whole ordeal to be over with so I can get on with my life. I’m absolutely gutted I’m in this situation but it is mine and my partners fault so that’s that.

All in all one week and 2 days after finding out I had an abortion. Sometimes you just know it’s not an option or the right time for you. Before I was in this situation I believed if ever faced with this I didn’t think personally I could do it (wasn’t against anyone else making that choice) just didn’t think it’d be the way I’d ever go. But it turns out you don’t know that until you’re in the situation. How horrible is it to go through with something knowing it was never your choice? As opposed to getting rid of something the size of a poppy seed? If I was later I may have not made this decision. I personally believe the earlier the better but again everyone is different and may not even know until later on.

I honestly believe if I can get through this being someone that suffered so much mentally then anyone can. You’re not alone even though you may feel it. Just on the way home now after treatment, I can honestly say at the moment I feel ok. I had bad stomach cramps when I woke up but after painkillers and a wee it eased really quickly. I was pretty much hyperventilating as they took me to be put under and the next thing I knew I woke up. I cried immediately after mainly relief and the fact I was still high on Anaesthesia. I have some light bleeding but I’m accepting it to get worse (hopefully it doesn’t) I feel a bit odd, like an empty numb feeling but 100% no regret as I say mainly just relief.  The anxiety leading up to it has what has been the hardest for me and I only found out 9 days ago and have now had it done but it felt like a lifetime.

If like me you google everything (even though majority of the time it’s not wise nor does it usually help) I genuinely hope this helps someone even if just one person. Now I’m through it it’s like my mind can now think clearly again for the first time since this all happened.

Good luck to anyone in this predicament you honestly will be fine.