Stuck in the Endless pit of Addiction

by Anonymous

June 27, 2019

Hi! My name is Chloe, (Chloe without the E pronounced) I have 2 beautiful dogs and a cat.

My story starts a few years ago and just like my title says I was stuck in the bottomless pit of addiction. At the time of my abortion it was just darkness for me. I was clawing at the walls of the endless void, I was stuck in trying to find a way out. I had been in and out of detoxes and rehabs I would go into these places thinking this is the last time just to come out and do it all over again. I was a heroin addict and still am even though I’m not using. They teach you once an addict always an addict; you have to be vigilant because you can always slip back into your old patterns. So like I was saying at that time I was in and out of detoxes and that’s where my abortion story starts

I had done this many times I had gone through the process what seemed like countless times but this time would be different. As part of the check in process for every female a pregnancy test is required  and as it turns out I was pregnant. I remember the nurse who I knew well telling me I tested positive. I was in shock I thought she was joking I told her she was lying and to do it again but the outcome was  the same. I burst into tears because I knew what I had to do. There was a counselor there who I also knew very well she tried to comfort me and also asked me what I was going to do. I knew I was going to get an abortion but I stayed silent and she knew. So she left me for a minute to digest everything and  I also  had to call a ride because obviously I couldn’t be admitted that day. I remember just standing there in shock and lost in thought emotionless until she asked me if I was O.K. I tried to say yes but I burst into tears to which she slightly chuckled and said no you’re not. She tried to comfort me telling me I would be a good mother etc she gave me her number she told me to call her if I needed her to talk me through the abortion, just to talk  or even walk me through the pregnancy if I was going to keep it  – basically call her for anything at anytime of the day

In my mind this was the only solution. My body was a garbage can filled with every drug in the book. My main squeeze heroin and his friend cocaine had a grip even the hulk couldn’t break free from. I didn’t know if I could stop even for a baby that’s why I had made a promise to myself a promise to never have a baby if I couldn’t say that I would not use for that child, to never have a baby if I was using. I didn’t want a heroin baby and I didn’t want to destroy a child. I would never want my child to think that I would choose a substance over them so I promised myself to never have a baby while I was a user. I also could not give birth and put them up for adoption. I know myself and I would become too attached to the baby and the baby most likely would have come out addicted so that’s why I knew I was going to have an abortion.

So I left the detox told my friend my situation. He helped me find a clinic. I remember feeling horrible the guilt of going to do this but this was my choice. At the clinic I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant they gave me a shot because my blood type is negative then explained to me the series of pills I would need to take and what I would feel. They gave me the first pill at the clinic, I went home to wait until I needed to take the next pill. But while I waited I talked to my stomach to the embryo explaining myself telling it how sorry I was I cried as I said I’m so sorry I’m sorry I cant be your mother I’m sorry I can’t bring you into this world etc… Eventually it was time to take the pills. I took them and I waited…about an hour later I felt the worst cramps I have ever felt I took the codeine they gave me but it was no help. I tried using a heating pad to calm the pain but that also was no but then as suddenly they came they stopped accompanied with a rush of water it felt like my water broke. I ran to the toilet, I made it in time as everything was coming out I felt something hard exiting it was the embryo I sat there afraid to look so many emotions filling me at once I cleaned myself up and dared myself to look the water was murky with blood and whatever else came out. I could barely make out where it was I knew it was there and I felt horrible…an embryo that would have been a baby an embryo that could have been a boy or a girl and had a life and children of their own and because of me was sitting at the bottom of a toilet because I was too busy getting high to really think about better contraception. As I sat there contemplating all these thoughts I prayed over the embryo in the toilet prayed that they would know how sorry I was I must have sat there for over an hour I couldn’t bring myself to flush the toilet but I eventually did. But right before I flushed it I made the sign of the cross over the toilet then pulled the handle (I grew up Catholic).

I went back to the detox a couple of weeks afterward I wish I could tell you I got clean that time but I didn’t. It took some more things to happen and a few more detoxes and a rehab.

Even though my abortion story is sad and I felt so much guilt it was my choice and to me it doesn’t matter what side of the debate you’re on. NO ONE should be able to tell YOU what to do with YOUR body, especially the government.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!