Search

Struggling in Motherhood

by Anonymous

August 17, 2022

“I didn’t feel the baby kick, I had my period”, I exclaimed but the fetus I saw on the ultrasound was more than real & I was indeed pregnant. Not merely a few weeks pregnant more like a couple months. My heart sank. “I cannot be pregnant, my baby is only a few months old, my marriage is in shambles” I blurt out. The nurse looks at me & points to the screen, “That is most definitely a baby.” She congratulates me & tells me that my expected due date is April 12. My baby boy would turn 1 on April 11. I would have a newborn & a one year old. As a new mother I was already struggling with motherhood. I was depressed & not feeling like myself. I honestly felt that I had absolutely lost myself in motherhood. I loved my son but motherhood was not easy for me & it didn’t help that my husband & I fought constantly about his infidelity.

I left the pregnancy clinic feeling defeated. The  staff gave me prenatal vitamins & material to read about pregnancy, as well as an ultrasound picture. I didn’t bother to even take the prenatal vitamins or material out of the car when I arrived home as I knew in my heart that, at this point in my life I absolutely could not have another baby. My mental health was in jeopardy, I could not become a mother to another child, not now. When I got home, I told my husband. I explained that I could not have another baby. He said he respected my choice & I made an appointment to undergo the abortion. I was far along so my abortion was a two day process. Day one consisted of getting my cervix to dilate. Day two would be the day of the procedure. I arrived early in the morning to undergo the procedure on day two. As I sat in the waiting room I started to have intense abdominal cramping. I tried changing positions, standing up but the pain would not go away. I thought maybe it was due to the cervix dilating. The pain became unbearable & I stood up to tell the office secretary that I was in excruciating pain. At that moment my water broke. Although I knew my cervix was dilating & understood the process it never crossed my mind that my medicated abortion would morph into a delivery. Fluid ran down my legs. The secretary quickly called for a nurse who quickly appeared with a wheelchair. She pushed me into a room to take my vitals & provide me with something for the pain but it did little to relieve it. I was then pushed into another room to be prepped for the procedure. I started to feel intense pressure. I asked the nurse if I could get something through my IV for the pain as the pain pills took very little effect. She said, “As soon as we get into the procedure room I will give you something.” They quickly wheel me to the room & no sooner than I get on the table my body begins to push. I had no control over it & I felt the fetus leave my body.

Although I must be honest I felt immense sadness in this moment that was not all I felt. I also felt hopeful. Hopeful that I could be the mother I needed to be for my son. That I wouldn’t be bringing another child into a toxic home filled with regret & anger. That although this decision was gut wrenching, it was the best decision for me at this point in my life. I would go on to become a mom of 2 eventually but I am so grateful that I had the right to undergo an abortion when I did. If I did not have this option I honestly could not tell you where I would be today. I barely had motherhood figured out & there is no way I could be the incredible mommy I am today to my son & daughter if I did not make the difficult choice then to have an abortion. I grieved the loss for awhile because although it was my choice & the best choice for me in no shape, form or fashion was it an easy choice.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!