Struggling in Motherhood

by Anonymous

August 17, 2022

“I didn’t feel the baby kick, I had my period”, I exclaimed but the fetus I saw on the ultrasound was more than real & I was indeed pregnant. Not merely a few weeks pregnant more like a couple months. My heart sank. “I cannot be pregnant, my baby is only a few months old, my marriage is in shambles” I blurt out. The nurse looks at me & points to the screen, “That is most definitely a baby.” She congratulates me & tells me that my expected due date is April 12. My baby boy would turn 1 on April 11. I would have a newborn & a one year old. As a new mother I was already struggling with motherhood. I was depressed & not feeling like myself. I honestly felt that I had absolutely lost myself in motherhood. I loved my son but motherhood was not easy for me & it didn’t help that my husband & I fought constantly about his infidelity.

I left the pregnancy clinic feeling defeated. The  staff gave me prenatal vitamins & material to read about pregnancy, as well as an ultrasound picture. I didn’t bother to even take the prenatal vitamins or material out of the car when I arrived home as I knew in my heart that, at this point in my life I absolutely could not have another baby. My mental health was in jeopardy, I could not become a mother to another child, not now. When I got home, I told my husband. I explained that I could not have another baby. He said he respected my choice & I made an appointment to undergo the abortion. I was far along so my abortion was a two day process. Day one consisted of getting my cervix to dilate. Day two would be the day of the procedure. I arrived early in the morning to undergo the procedure on day two. As I sat in the waiting room I started to have intense abdominal cramping. I tried changing positions, standing up but the pain would not go away. I thought maybe it was due to the cervix dilating. The pain became unbearable & I stood up to tell the office secretary that I was in excruciating pain. At that moment my water broke. Although I knew my cervix was dilating & understood the process it never crossed my mind that my medicated abortion would morph into a delivery. Fluid ran down my legs. The secretary quickly called for a nurse who quickly appeared with a wheelchair. She pushed me into a room to take my vitals & provide me with something for the pain but it did little to relieve it. I was then pushed into another room to be prepped for the procedure. I started to feel intense pressure. I asked the nurse if I could get something through my IV for the pain as the pain pills took very little effect. She said, “As soon as we get into the procedure room I will give you something.” They quickly wheel me to the room & no sooner than I get on the table my body begins to push. I had no control over it & I felt the fetus leave my body.

Although I must be honest I felt immense sadness in this moment that was not all I felt. I also felt hopeful. Hopeful that I could be the mother I needed to be for my son. That I wouldn’t be bringing another child into a toxic home filled with regret & anger. That although this decision was gut wrenching, it was the best decision for me at this point in my life. I would go on to become a mom of 2 eventually but I am so grateful that I had the right to undergo an abortion when I did. If I did not have this option I honestly could not tell you where I would be today. I barely had motherhood figured out & there is no way I could be the incredible mommy I am today to my son & daughter if I did not make the difficult choice then to have an abortion. I grieved the loss for awhile because although it was my choice & the best choice for me in no shape, form or fashion was it an easy choice.

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