She could of had my hair or your eyes

She could of been gold or green

She could have been soft or sharp

Those weeks with you  I didn’t know you were there. But I felt you. Those weeks I didn’t know you were inside me but you were strong

Sunday afternoon shopping, I had not an inkling of an idea that you could possibly have been inside me.

But I caught glimpse of myself in the reflection and saw myself, and something seemed different. I remember touching my stomach. I felt different. Subliminally knowing you were there. The pains were hard for me to walk. Hard for me to position myself into a normal everyday posture. I had to keep sitting down. Walking very slowly.  You were showing yourself already.

Running down the stairs to panic to my friend. This pain in my stomach is so bad I think it’s appendicitis.

Going for my daily walks, feeling dizzy. Not knowing you were there but feeling your presence so strong .

Napping daily without a doubt. Uncontrollable fatigue .

My breasts swollen and sore. I remember looking and thinking could it possibly be? No way. That was not possible.

You were there strong in your spirit I felt you and can still feel you now .

Where do you go ? Where did you go ? I don’t believe you dissolved . Energy carries on and never dies . Energy goes some place and never ends.

The caravan is something I won’t ever forget .

From the moment we got there you told me something was wrong

It was time  and you wanted me to know. I wouldn’t have known if you hadn’t have been ready to tell me .

Leaving the test on the side. Busy getting on with my day. I glimpsed and saw the result – straight away it appeared so I immediately thought it would be negative. I checked the box

Positive

Pregnant

I ran through to the sitting room and screamed to my friend

I fell to my knees and cried and cried

Cried for you

So sorry . From the moment I found out. I know what I had to do.

I see bees on the floor and my heart breaks

I see rabbits run over and my eyes flood

Just because I knew what I wanted from the start and because it was my choice does not make this any less painful , it doesn’t make the sadness feel any less hurtful , it doesn’t mean I cannot grieve your loss.

How can I see you as just cells

When I feel you inside me

When every piece of you was telling me you was here from the start

Sometimes I think -if we could get to speak . For a little.  what you would be like? what I would say to you?

I would say. I am so sorry. I am sorry that this has to happen. I am sorry to my body that this happened. And I’m sorry to my baby that this happened

I hope you’re not angry or upset at me. It was out of love

I keep tearing myself apart. This is not natural . Keeps going around in my head.

‘ it’s so small it’s still early ‘

That’s shit. In less than a year you could have been in my arms

I felt you inside me even before I knew you was there. So how can you tell me it’s nothing

It’s not your body it’s mine .

Finding out I was pregnant was one thing . Processing this was so much. All these different feelings and hormones rushing around me . Each day up until I knew it was time to say good bye . I loved you and I told you each day. Played my favourite songs to you and ate my favourite foods. I hope you take those to wherever you are now

Finding out I was pregnant was hard enough

Leaving you was another

Saying good bye and letting you go is hard

Every time I go to the bathroom I am reminded

I am confused to where you are

It’s ok to be confused and relieved but also sad

It’s ok to feel relieved as hell that I’m not going to be a single mum raising a child who deserves much more but it’s also ok to feel distraught and destroyed too.

Those feelings together are such contradiction

My womb aches for you . Is crying for you . My womb will heal  .

In a perfect world this would have been perfect and may 22nd I would have got to meet you .

Saying good bye is hard but living with you everywhere around me is bitter sweet

When I have more children . I will tell them about you .

I will tell them about my spirit child . And how I became a spirit mum . And how you had to be released because we both were not ready .

Maybe you had to finish something off . Maybe your circle wasn’t quite yet rounded

When I tell my other children about you , my spirit child we will never forget you

September 13th when I found out you were here . September 18th when we had to say good bye

I am going to have a scan on Friday to see if the procedure went ok . I know but a part of my wishes for a few more moments with you

My spirit child