Spirit child

by Yasmin

November 10, 2020

She could of had my hair or your eyes

She could of been gold or green

She could have been soft or sharp

Those weeks with you  I didn’t know you were there. But I felt you. Those weeks I didn’t know you were inside me but you were strong

Sunday afternoon shopping, I had not an inkling of an idea that you could possibly have been inside me.

But I caught glimpse of myself in the reflection and saw myself, and something seemed different. I remember touching my stomach. I felt different. Subliminally knowing you were there. The pains were hard for me to walk. Hard for me to position myself into a normal everyday posture. I had to keep sitting down. Walking very slowly.  You were showing yourself already.

Running down the stairs to panic to my friend. This pain in my stomach is so bad I think it’s appendicitis.

Going for my daily walks, feeling dizzy. Not knowing you were there but feeling your presence so strong .

Napping daily without a doubt. Uncontrollable fatigue .

My breasts swollen and sore. I remember looking and thinking could it possibly be? No way. That was not possible.

You were there strong in your spirit I felt you and can still feel you now .

Where do you go ? Where did you go ? I don’t believe you dissolved . Energy carries on and never dies . Energy goes some place and never ends.

The caravan is something I won’t ever forget .

From the moment we got there you told me something was wrong

It was time  and you wanted me to know. I wouldn’t have known if you hadn’t have been ready to tell me .

Leaving the test on the side. Busy getting on with my day. I glimpsed and saw the result – straight away it appeared so I immediately thought it would be negative. I checked the box



I ran through to the sitting room and screamed to my friend

I fell to my knees and cried and cried

Cried for you

So sorry . From the moment I found out. I know what I had to do.

I see bees on the floor and my heart breaks

I see rabbits run over and my eyes flood

Just because I knew what I wanted from the start and because it was my choice does not make this any less painful , it doesn’t make the sadness feel any less hurtful , it doesn’t mean I cannot grieve your loss.

How can I see you as just cells

When I feel you inside me

When every piece of you was telling me you was here from the start

Sometimes I think -if we could get to speak . For a little.  what you would be like? what I would say to you?

I would say. I am so sorry. I am sorry that this has to happen. I am sorry to my body that this happened. And I’m sorry to my baby that this happened

I hope you’re not angry or upset at me. It was out of love

I keep tearing myself apart. This is not natural . Keeps going around in my head.

‘ it’s so small it’s still early ‘

That’s shit. In less than a year you could have been in my arms

I felt you inside me even before I knew you was there. So how can you tell me it’s nothing

It’s not your body it’s mine .

Finding out I was pregnant was one thing . Processing this was so much. All these different feelings and hormones rushing around me . Each day up until I knew it was time to say good bye . I loved you and I told you each day. Played my favourite songs to you and ate my favourite foods. I hope you take those to wherever you are now

Finding out I was pregnant was hard enough

Leaving you was another

Saying good bye and letting you go is hard

Every time I go to the bathroom I am reminded

I am confused to where you are

It’s ok to be confused and relieved but also sad

It’s ok to feel relieved as hell that I’m not going to be a single mum raising a child who deserves much more but it’s also ok to feel distraught and destroyed too.

Those feelings together are such contradiction

My womb aches for you . Is crying for you . My womb will heal  .

In a perfect world this would have been perfect and may 22nd I would have got to meet you .

Saying good bye is hard but living with you everywhere around me is bitter sweet

When I have more children . I will tell them about you .

I will tell them about my spirit child . And how I became a spirit mum . And how you had to be released because we both were not ready .

Maybe you had to finish something off . Maybe your circle wasn’t quite yet rounded

When I tell my other children about you , my spirit child we will never forget you

September 13th when I found out you were here . September 18th when we had to say good bye

I am going to have a scan on Friday to see if the procedure went ok . I know but a part of my wishes for a few more moments with you

My spirit child

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