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I feel like I did the right thing considering my situation.

by Danny

April 19, 2018

Content Warning: abusive partner

I found out I was pregnant in June of 2017. I was living with my boyfriend of three years, our relationship was always in a rocky place. For example, before I took my pregnancy test we had a huge argument about God knows what and he stormed out the house. I had missed my period a couple weeks ago so something just told me to take a test while he was gone. I bought a cheap test from the drug store and within seconds the test showed “pregnant”. My first reaction was screaming and crying. I was truly horrified but at the same time over joyed. I really love children and even though things weren’t good I love my boyfriend.

 

The biggest problem for me at the time was that I didn’t really have a lot of money. I had just started a new job and had no savings. My boyfriend had lost his job and resorted to selling drugs just to get by. To me that was no situation to bring a child into. We also lived in a bed bug ridden apartment in the west side of Chicago. Truthfully I was already so depressed.

When I told him I was pregnant he was so happy. He really wanted to be a father. It’s almost like he didn’t see everything else going on around. I was reluctant but I finally told him I didn’t know if I wanted to keep it. He immediately shut down and stopped talking to me. He told me that I’d be a baby killer and that if I don’t have the baby we can just break up. He took it as a sign I didn’t want to be with him. But honestly I felt like we had soooo much work to do and individuals and a couple before bringing a baby in. So anyway I stopped talking about it to him for weeks and I just talked to my mom. She understood because she had 3 kids by the time of 21 and knows how hard it can be. I couldn’t even bring myself to go home and be with him. Our final argument that helped me make the decision was when I told him I might have the abortion. He threw 300 dollars in my face and told me to just get it over wIth already because he was tired of talking about it. He called me a bitch and a hoe and told me I wanted to have an abortion because I probably didn’t know who the father was. This broke my heart. I have loved this man and stood by him for so long faithfully! So why would he ever talk to me in this way when I’m clearly confused. I would have loved for him to hold me and kiss me and tell me whatever I decide he’ll love me the same. I was so depressed after that that two days later I had my mom take me for an abortion. I didn’t even tell him till the morning of because I didn’t want to fight anymore.

 

Ugh it was so hard. It’s still so hard for me. I cry even as I write my story because I just know I’d be a good mom. But there are some many things that just weren’t right. I came from an abusive family and we were very poor. I didn’t want my child born in the EXACT same situation. However sometimes I wonder where did my baby go? Are they in heaven? Are they lost? Do they hate me? Did they even have the level of consciousness to understand they died? I was only 8 weeks when I had the procedure but it’s still hard to accept. It doesn’t make it any better that 2weeks later I found out my 19 year old sister was pregnant and decided to keep it. She’s delivering her baby today as I type this. I’m over joyed to have a niece but spiritually and emotionally crushed inside. I can’t really complain or be sad in front my sister cuz I don’t want to seem bitter. But omg I’m so fucking sad. I have horrible dreams about my baby. About me letting them die and not saving them. I just want to be able to heal but I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know why I’m writing this, it won’t change what I did. I guess I just needed to vent about it. If you read this whole thing, thank you. I feel like I did the right thing considering my situation. I just hope my baby understands wherever they are because I think about them every single day….

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