Sinking and swimming

by JC

October 9, 2020

I found out I was pregnant on March 6th, 2020. I went in for a medical abortion appointment at PP on March 11th and took home the misoprostol pill to proceed with the abortion at home. I was 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant according to the doctor, and according to the internet my baby was the size of a pea… funny, my least favorite vegetable.

My partner and I have been together for about 7 years. Over the last couple years, and into our early adulthood now, our conversations about pregnancy and parenthood have blossomed into the dreamiest and most delicate. We romanticize every bit of it, but we also see it for its hardships.

I am studying to be something of a scientist…not sure of what exactly but school has been my full time job for many years now. My partner is a brilliant mechanic and everyday he excels further in his career. So why not now? We want to have everything we could ever need and want. We want to be able to be present throughout the pregnancy together, and to be parents together. He wants to be a stay at home dad, and I want an underground laboratory where I can work and then go up to the patio to breastfeed our baby and bask in the sun with my lover. I want it all. And I can have it all… just not now.

I decided to go through with the medical abortion so that I could be in the comfort of my own home during the process. One of my closest friends came to support me and brought me this candle to light and keep as a constant during the fluctuating waves of pain and heaviness. I didn’t know my body was capable of what it did. I was so torn emotionally because here I am so in love with my partner, and so envious of everyone celebrating pregnancy. But there I was trembling open, bleeding, aching to rid of it.

One of the hardest parts for me was just looking at myself, and it was even harder to let my partner look at me. I felt so desperate to be invisible, and so confused at my partner’s strengthened desire for me. How could he be attracted to me right now? I don’t get to have a cute bump or a baby to show for my pain. I just have to be practical or whatever and keep going… But nothing feels the same. The depression, the sensitivity, the self loathing, has all deepened. My body feels different, my emotions are spilling out of me like I have less and less control over them. Sex is different, my love for my partner is different.

It’s almost a month later and I am trying to find a healthy relationship with all of the difference. Here’s to everyone experiencing abortion in all of it’s many dimensions.


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