Shame

Shame.

I grew up in a pretty non-religious household. I would say we were raised as Christian’s, but even saying that… I’m honestly not sure what it means. Things like sex, abortion, pregnancy, ect weren’t really discussed in our household. Without being taught by my parents, through media and other outlets it was instilled in me that having an abortion was shameful. That you shouldn’t do it, and if you do you should feel bad about it.

Up until very recently, I felt shame about my abortion. Make no mistake SHAME and REGRET are not the same in this instance. I do not, have not, and will not ever regret having an abortion. Most importantly I am DONE being silent and feeling shameful for the decision to not have a baby.

I’ve honestly never wanted kids. I work with kids, and I adore them but I just don’t want my own. And no, I wont change my mind someday. I have a list of medical issues a mile long and I just honestly know pregnancy and motherhood isn’t for me.

I was 22 when I got pregnant. I knew him for about a month and we had sex once. He was 20, and still lived with his parents. There was never any question in either of our minds about what we would do. We were not ready. Financially, mentally, romantically, really in every aspect we just were not ready.

I very diligently track my cycle so I caught the pregnancy very early. At the time I was fairly new to the city I was living in and coming from a small town I was honestly a little lost as to where to even go or who to talk to.

I did online research and found an “abortion clinic” online. Only, it was not. These places are manipulative and pushy. When I came in it felt like walking into a spa, with the sound of running water, lavender smells, and graceful music…making you feel comfortable. You then get put into a room….alone….with a couch, reading material (including a bible) and several boxes of tissues. Here I am just wanting to make an appointment to get this over with.

A lady comes in with a very soft demeanor and offers some water. She then asks me if I took a test and what options I was looking into. Abortion. I was only looking for abortion.

After I said that word she began giving me pamphlets and books and reading material on adoption and pregnancy centers and places that can help me through it. They then led me to a room for an ultrasound, where they confirmed the pregnancy and even gave me a estimated due date. After that they sent me on my way with tons of religious paperwork, churches, groups, adoptions agencies, and so on.

In my head I’m thinking what the actual fuck. It was like a cult, I felt invaded. I finally ended up finding an actual clinic, downtown…in a pretty shady part. He went with me, walked with me through the protestors who were offering “help” through the pregnancy and shouting absurd things. Inside was cold, sterile, quiet. I filled out the paperwork. Paid the money, got bloodwork to confirm the pregnancy, and an ultrasound to see how far along it was. Honestly, it was all within 20 minutes. The staff was helpful, explained everything, but never once asked me to reconsider or if I was sure of my decision.

Since I caught it early I was able to do a medical abortion. They gave me a pill in office and another one to take when I get home. They described what would happen, how it would feel, and side effects and gave me an emergency number in case anything went wrong. After I got home, i took the second pill and let me tell you…shit hit the fan.

It’s not fun. It was a miserable weekend. I have tons of digestive issues as it is, and let me tell you it was not easy on my insides. For several hours I bled, and then I vomited, and then I had diarrhea. At one point, it was happening all at once. Yeah, imagine that. But then….it was over. Monday rolled around, I went to work and carried on building my life and my career.

After that he kinda disappeared and we lost touch for several years. Do I think about the decision we made, sure but I do not regret it. We were young, broke, stupid, immature, and most importantly….not ready.

I’ve been quiet for over 8 years about my experience. I have a loving boyfriend and guess what, I still don’t want kids. My boyfriend has had a vasectomy but even though I may no longer need to worry about getting pregnant, I am speaking up for the young women who are growing up who deserve for their bodies to be just that. Theirs.

There is no shame in wanting a different outcome for your life. There is no shame in ending a pregnancy due to concern for your own health. There is no shame in not being ready.

There is no shame in abortion.