Scared

I’m 17. I know it’s the right thing to do. I’m not ready. I refuse to be the type of mother mine was to me. When the time comes I will be strong, reliable, stable, together and ready. Not now. When I’ve been with your dad for 4 months and God knows not much longer. I want to tell myself I’m a good mother already for choosing this but I’m not sure if that’s just a way to force away the guilt. I’m stupid for getting pregnant but I’d be even more stupid to keep you. Not because I don’t want you but because I do. I want you for all the wrong reasons. I want you because I’ve romanticized my life looking after you and deep down I think it will fix the lack of connection I had with my own mother. That’s not fair to put that on you. I’m a child myself and I’m still hurting. I’m not ready but one day I will be.