by Sarah Elsie

June 17, 2019

Content Warning: rape, physical abuse

I’ve had two abortions, two miscarriages, and I am a proud mother of two beautiful children whom I love dearly and am the primary custodian/provider of. The lives of womxn are complex but human rights should be simple and straight forward.  My first abortion was in my early 20s. I was drugged and abducted off of the porch of a popular campus bar in my college town by a group of frat boys who beat me, raped me, pissed on me and left me unconscious, bleeding and tied to my futon in my own home.

Hours later I regained consciousness but I was never the same. I was in shock, in pain, disassociated. I got myself out if the restraints, which was my own belt around my wrists and the bars of the futon, got in the shower and stayed there until the water turned cold after which I lay in the tub for another 13 hours.  A few weeks later I took the abortion pill which I used student loan money to pay for. I failed and drank for a while after that but then went on to gain a masters level of coursework in sociology and a bachelors degree in liberal arts. I am 36 now and a happy mama of two beautiful children whom I dreamed into existence, birthed naturally and joyfully provide and care for.

My second abortion was two years ago. I was in what I  thought was a meaningful relationship but started to find out I was being lied to. I was on birth control but access to it was not consistent. When I found out I was pregnant it triggered an unbelievable anxiety attack in me which he made fun of and didn’t understand.  I was panicking because I was finding out new lies about him every week, I was already working my ass off raising my two children and here I was pregnant and this guy has two of his own children who he abandoned with his ex wife to raise on her own. No way in hell I could make that seem right. I told him that it would not be fair to my children or his children to bring a new life into the equation. It would be irresponsible and if we wanted to make a family we should wait, he should be a father to the two children he already has.  He was a narcissistic abuser. He refused to take responsibility.

I went alone, paid for the entire thing and he held it over my head for the rest of our toxic relationship which went on and on for another year and a half during which he cheated on me with other women the whole time. The winter we finally broke up I was diagnosed with intestinal cancer which doctors have told me could have had something to do with me having miscarriages.  I never wanted to speak to him again but also was really scared of the cancer and feeling very alone and had just had major abdominal surgery to remove the tumor. He started contacting me again and I eventually reached back out to him. Big mistake! I was so vulnerable after the break up and so so so vulnerable after cancer. He is a predator and abuser. After reluctantly letting him back into my life I realized all the same problems but worse were there. He was proposing to me on a weekly basis. I found out that I was pregnant again with him last summer just as I also found out he was trying all the same shit with another woman. What a shithead.

I panic again because my doctors told me it would be a really high risk pregnancy. The possibilities of me having to decide on chemotherapy and radiation we’re on the table and the pregnancy needed to be off the table.  I planned to terminate the pregnancy via abortion pill but miscarried the week I was scheduled to go in. That turned out to be the best thing. A miscarriage war far less expensive and holds less stigma. He and the women he was cheating on and cheating with both harassed, bullied and shamed me for it.  He used it as ammunition to triangulate two women against each other further.  I had to physically stand up for my family against him and I won in court. He is an abuser. She is gaslighted. My children and I are out and thriving. I don’t regret my decisions to end the pregnancies. I am not ashamed of my choices. I am proud of them. I did what is right for my family, that’s me and my two children, and I will always choose to put my health and my children first.  Thank God I am not forever connected to my rapists or an abusive ex boyfriend. Thank God for abortion. God loves choice.

Today I am cancer free, running a thriving spiritual practice and business, traveling the world with my beautiful children and doggos and I don’t regret a goddamn thing. I’ve called back all my power from all times that it has been taken from me and from the times I have given it away to those who do not deserve it. I want the conversation to change. I want everyone to start asking “why is the abuse of womxn so normal?”  It really irritates me to hear people say that abortion isn’t birth control when that is exactly what it is and birth control is a necessity and a right. Birth control is a personal decision and the more safe and accessible forms of it available to everyone the better it will be for everyone.  Long live personal choice and free will! Let freedom ring! Long live the womxn ! I love you. You are worth more than you have ever been told.

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