When I saw the test was positive I wasn’t surprised. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t confused. My first thought was when does my doctors office open so they can help me with all my questions surrounding abortion and how/where to get one. But then I felt fear when I realized I had to tell my boyfriend. I hadn’t loved him for over a year and I was too scared to leave because he was manipulative and abusive. And now I was pregnant with his child. I couldn’t be tied to him forever.
The mind games he played the days leading up to my abortion were incredibly difficult. I cancelled my first appointment for an in clinic termination after he convinced me that this was the only chance he’d ever have at becoming a father and I was taking it away from him. He spent days invalidating my feelings. He would tell me how insulted he was and how selfish I was being for not wanting a baby with him. He would force me to take prenatal meds, I couldn’t drink coffee, he wouldn’t allow me to drink after insisting we go out to the local bar. I was being forced into motherhood, I was no longer a person, just a vessel for some kind of alien abduction. The day after cancelling my first appointment I started having thoughts of harming myself because then I wouldn’t have to have a baby or stay with him.
I scheduled another appointment. The staff was incredible and kind. I felt comfortable and safe and supported by every person at that office. I was sedated for the procedure and after I felt almost instant relief. It’s been 1 year and 5 months since my abortion and 1 year since I ended that relationship. Both of these milestones have allowed me to live life on my terms. My abortion saved me.
