I’m 30 years old and have been happily married for 3 years. My husband and I have never been absolutely certain we wanted children, but many parents say sometimes you don’t know until it happens. We’re financially stable and in a good place in our lives. We took a relaxed approach to birth control, just using cycle tracking, thinking if it happened it would be a nice surprise and if not then it wasn’t on the cards for us. In July this year my period was late which is unusual for me. I took a test but had convinced myself it would be negative. When the test came back positive I felt instant panic. I showed my husband and I could see he felt the same – this just didn’t feel like the right time. There is no one major reason why it didn’t feel right. I spent days deliberating what to do. I made a list. I researched for stories similar to my experience but I couldn’t find any. I felt so alone. My husband was supportive and didn’t put any pressure on me, but in my heart I knew if he wasn’t all in then I couldn’t continue the pregnancy, I couldn’t picture the next 8 months or us bringing home a baby and raising them.
I felt absolutely certain I wanted to go ahead with the abortion. I contacted my GP who was non-judgmental and referred me to a clinic and they arranged for me to be sent the pills so I could do the procedure at home. I’m so grateful to live in England where there are few barriers for women in my situation and the clinic were so supportive. My procedure was relatively straight forward, I felt ok. A week passed and suddenly doubt and guilt started to creep in. I felt grief. I was inconsolable. I broke down to one of my friends and told her everything, she was so kind and comforting and made me realise I needed to speak to someone professional. Fortunately the clinic offers post-procedure counseling so I have been using this.
It’s been 3 months and I’m still struggling. I have days/weeks where I regret my choice, where I suddenly I’m desperate to have a baby, I find it difficult to see people around me celebrating pregnancies and births. Many people talk about the often very tough decision to have an abortion but not many people talk about the impact afterwards. I didn’t think I would ever feel this way afterwards but I was wrong.
I hope there will come a time in the future when I can look back and it’ll be clear why I made this choice and I’ll feel peace. I hope sharing my story can help anyone in a similar situation. Please just know it is your decision and no one else can judge it, your circumstances or your reasons.
