As I went home for Christmas,I started to feel physically different in many ways. After 24 years, I knew my hunger queues, appetite, sleep routines and so on, and from one day to the next, I felt a stranger in my physical body. Sure enough, and as I was conveniently defrosting a burger bun in the oven for dinner, a pregnancy test came back positive.

I was very sure that I was pregnant, but still was a shock to see it on the test. The abortion didn’t even feel like a choice, but more of a given. Because of my age, self-diagnosed lack of motherly instinct, relationship status, and how early I was in my (demanding) career, it really just felt like the only viable option. Even writing this now, something feels a bit off about this.

First, I was not prepared for the pain, but most of all, the very conflicting feelings of great choice vs regret. I’m still profoundly confused as to which comes from where and when which trumps over the other.

My coworker is actively trying to get pregnant, and somehow it hurts.

Just trying to navigate through all the waves, great to have a place to write and read about it.

Lastly, incredibly grateful I got the chance to choose.