by River

April 8, 2019

Almost 4 years ago my partner and I wanted to have a baby. We decided we were never going to have enough money or be ready enough so we just wanted to go for it. I had anxiety and was seeing a therapist but it was alright. Until it wasn’t. I got pregnant on the first try. I immediately felt a sense of dread (hi new depression!) But I wanted to have a baby.


When my son was 2, my partner and I decided to not have anymore children for the foreseeable future. The next morning when I had no desire for coffee I took a test and i was pregnant. Blergh. I felt likeIi was finally starting to get my mental health on track thanks to an awesome new therapist and some even more awesome antidepressants. I hadn’t ever felt so good. My brain was finally working right. It was an easy decision to have an abortion.


I only knew i was pregnant for 5 days before I wasn’t. I could have had a medical abortion but opted for surgical because I wanted it over with. And I wanted an iud to treat some premenstrual depression I was having. I dropped my kid off with my dad and I went to planned Parenthood. My lovely doula who was there throughout my first pregnancy came with me. Everyone at the clinic was so nice. Even the security guard who checked our purses. The nurse who did my mental health eval said I was the only person she has seen who was so excited. I was so relieved with my decision to have an abortion and that I could get one with relative ease. And I love science! It was a new science-y experience for me. I was pumped! (She also told me that it was vastectomy friday and that made me laugh)


The procedure was horrible but quick. It was so painful and I popped the speculum out so the dr had to start over. I almost passed out but if I did she’d have to stop so the nurse did a great job of keeping me awake and cooling me off. I spent about 5 minutes in recovery and was on my way out. My friend and i went on a Target shopping spree and later I celebrated by going out for crab with my partner and a friend.


I’m happy with my decision. It’s the same feeling i had during my first pregnancy when i made confident decisions that I knew were right for me. I feel like a great mom now too. I did what was best for me – and that is what’s best for my family.

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