Relief, pain and strain

by Anonymous

October 9, 2020


I was 22 and me and my boyfriend had been together for 6 months when I found out I was pregnant. We’d been using the pull-out method, although he had tried to talk to me about more reliable forms of contraception, none of which I was receptive to due to concerns about putting hormones in my body or now putting a condom barrier between us after we’d experienced the highest form of intimacy. I had always thought that we would be ok, but that if I ever did fall pregnant I didn’t have concerns about terminating the pregnancy.

In December 2018 I had a light period at the beginning of the month then a few days later some really painful bloating that had kept me awake at night, I managed to get a doctors appointment (still did not occur to me that I was pregnant). He pressed around my stomach and asked if I would take a urine test to which the result was positive and I was around 6 weeks pregnant. I remember feeling sick. I did not want this. We were not ready for this. How could I have been so irresponsible with my body. The Doctor told me as I was early on the I would be able to get a medical abortion which was the less invasive option. I sat in the car and made an appointment with a familiar planned parenthood clinic in the UK. They had an appointment the next day.

I went home and told my boyfriend who was so supportive. At the time I just had tunnel vision and saw it as something I just needed to get through and I would be fine at the end. The staff were lovely at the clinic but as the day went on I felt incredibly uneasy. Going into the clinic I was under the impression that it was a consultation and I would then go back and get the medical abortion, but it was then sprung upon me that they had booked me in for a surgical abortion for that day. I had to choose between an invasive immediate surgery or to come back in about a week for the pills. I chose the immediate option. The nurse who counselled me and checked my bloods mentioned that my blood type was at risk of miscarrying in the future after an abortion. She gave me a shot for it and it was discussed no further. I remember feeling scared as though I could have truly ruined my chances of having a family in the future. When it was my time to go to surgery the nurse took me down some stairs into what was an old cellar (it was a large old house that had been converted into a clinic). Although it was all legitimate I felt as though I was somewhere I shouldn’t be and it almost felt like I was having a backstreet abortion. My boyfriend text me from the upstairs waiting room to tell me he was going to wait in the car, I got the impression he just couldn’t bear to be in the waiting room any longer. I was alone downstairs and the nurse came to run through some things with me and for me to sign a document. She said there’s a ‘small risk of excessive bleeding and if that happens an ambulance will be called and you’ll be taken to hospital for a blood transfusion, who would you like for us to contact’ I remember tears rushing to my eyes. I felt terrified. I went into the surgery where there were about 6 Nurses and Doctors, I lay exposed and vulnerable on the bed while questions were being asked and things were being strapped to my arm. The injection went in, I felt pain my arm and a bitter taste in my mouth. I woke up and a sense of relief came over me when I realised it was over and that I was in the same place I’d fallen asleep in. I had cramps but it was over and I wanted to get out of there, forget it had ever happened and move on.

It is a year and a half later and unfortunately I have never forgot and I have not moved on. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about it and certain memories from the day still haunt me. My boyfriend and I are still together but it has strained our relationship. We have never spoke about, I know he struggles to cope with it. We have lost our intimacy and I blame myself for being careless with my body.

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